komplexify!

Each semester, I offer students a last chance for extra credit by writing their favorite joke or riddle on their crib sheet, with extra credit assigned based purely on how funny I think it is. Here are some of the better ones.

Mathy contributions

Q: What did the acorn say when it grew up?
A: Gee-I’m-a-tree.

Q: Why couldn’t the identity get a loan?
A: It needed a cosigner.

Q: How trigonometric functions do farmers use?
A: Swine and cow-sine.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a duck?
A: A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a duck?
A: A vector orthogonal to the cow and the chicken, determined by the right-hand rule.

Q: What’s a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a change of coordinates.

Q: What kind of toilet paper do mathematicians prefer?
A: Multi-ply.

Q: What does a mathematician do when constipated?
A: He works it out with a pencil.

Q: What does Einstein do on the toilet?
A: Brownian motion.

Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: 2110593.
Q: Why?
A: When 2 are 1 and they don’t pay at-10-tion, they’ll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they’ll be 3.

Want some more mathematical pick-up lines?

Did you hear about the largest prime number yet discovered?
According to CNN, it’s four times bigger than the previous record.

I will derive!

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: “The Kingdom of Heaven is like .” A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: “What on Earth does he mean by that?” Peter smiled. “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of his parabolas.”

A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician. “How old do you think I am?” she asks coyly. “Well,” he says, “18, by the fire in your eyes. 19, by the color of your cheeks. 20, by the radiance of your face. Now, if we add those up…”

George W. Bush to mathematicians: “It’s come to my attention that y’all are teaching algebra classes in which students learn to sove equations with the help of radicals. I can’t say I approve of that…”

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, “I don’t understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run…” The physicist interrupted him: “But you didn’t take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning…” “So if you’re so hot why are you broke?” asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret. “Well,” he says, between puffs on the pipe, “”first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical…”

As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food but no can-opener. A day later, the rooms are opened one by one. In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point. In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and ‘pop’! In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, “Assume the can is open, assume the can is open…”

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were undergoing a thought-process experiment. As part of the experiment, they were seated at a table, given 3 metal spheres, and left alone for a while. After an hour or so, the experimenter returned to each of the three professionals. He checks in on the mathematician first, and finds the balls neatly arranged in a triangle at the center of the table. He checks in on the physicist next, and finds the balls stacked precariously, one on top of the other, in the center of the table. He then checks in on the engineer, and finds one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and the third being carried out in the engineer’s lunchbox.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given anything they want to measure it, and have all the time they need. The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume. The physicist gets a large bucket of water, places 3 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures. The engineer writes down the serial number of the ball, and looks it up.

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The mathematician leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The mathematician persists and explains that the game is real easy and lots of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.” Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The mathematician, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!” This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The mathematician asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the mathematician Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the mathematician “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?” The mathematician looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The mathematician then hits the engineer, saying, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?” The engineer calmly pulls out his wallet, hands the mathematician five bucks, and goes back to sleep.

Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a few hours, you realize he likes it.

A pessimist will tell you the glass is half-empty. An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full. An engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a number.
A: A number can have a period and still be rational.

Q: What is 6.9?
A: Good sex interrupted by a period.

“What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?”
“She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me.”
“I don’t believe that she cheated on you!”
“Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns…”

Weapons of math instruction:

Upgrading to Wife 1.0:

As always, some pics:

Ever wonder where cursors come from?

Division by zero was a common theme, too.

In class I’ve tried to instill an appreciation for correct function notation, especially when in comes to the trigonometric functions. In particular, from time to time in class I’ve been known to say things like “Every time you write sin² x instead of sin(x)², God kicks a puppy.” Apparently, however, I didn’t specificy which god:

Other good ones

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Q: What do Americans do when they has an eight-thousand foot deep hole in the ground?
A: They drop a DUSEL in it.

In America, you pretend to work and your boss pays you. In Soviet Russia, you work and your boss pretends to pay you.

Light a man a fire, and you warm him for a night. Light a man on fire, and you warm him for the rest of his life.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Two cannibals are eating. One says “Your wife makes a really delicious dinner.” The other says “I know. I’m going to miss her.”

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says “Hey little boy. What are you doing?” The little boy says “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!” The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says. “Thanks mister”, says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. “Little boy”, says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.” The little boy says, “You’re probably right mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,”This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “Every single time… That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar the game’s over!”

A little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game. She passed out items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Jimmy’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. She asked “Do you know what it is?” Jimmy replied “No.” The teacher said, ” Go ahead and open it up and taste it.” Little Jimmy did so. The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?” Little Jimmy said “Sill no.” The teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint… it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.” A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams “Jimmy, spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!!”

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandary. He felt different yet couldn’t figure why he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers. He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name. The chief answered in his typically poetic way. “When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest… and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.” Then, the boy said to the Chief “How did my sister Thundering Bird get her name?” The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird’s mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky…” The boy asked again, how his cousin “White Crouching Bear” had been given such a name. And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe. White Bear’s mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby’s birth. Then he asked the boy “Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”

And the winner is…

Q: If all the Tea-Partiers were at a convention, and the convention center caught on fire, and the fire department only had time to save one person, who would be saved?
A: America.