I was attacked by winter the other day.
Last week it was exceedingly (or, perhaps more meteorologically appropriate, bitterly) cold in South Dakota. Despite having January temperatures in the high fifties, last week winter reasserted its existence, plummeting the state into frigid temperatures, freezing winds, and a few days’ worth of white, powdery snow.
However, the temperature has since risen back to the forties and fifties, with bright blue skies and only patches of snow remaining. Indeed, so sublimely perfect was the weather, that as I was out driving about town to complete my weekend errands, the sunroof beckoned to open. I reached down and pushed the button to withdraw the sunroof and feel the warmth of the sun and the brisk chill of the winter air.
That’s when things went bad.
A horrible thing dropped in through my sunroof, enveloping me in a mass of cold. Not just cold, but a creeping, icy, wet cold. It froze my head and immediately slid slick icy wet tentacles down my neck and inside my shirt, causing me to gasp uncontrollably in much the same fashion as a doctor’s freshly refrigerated stethoscope placed on patient’s chest does. Frigid fingers of cold manhandled my arms, rattled my spine, slid down my back and into my britches. The horrible realization that my car had just been invaded by an unseen frostbite-inducing multi-tentacled demonic incarnation of winter was nothing compared to the subsequent realization that this demon’s appendages were making a beeline for my family jewels.
At this point, I screamed like a girl.
I also swerved erratically a few times before pulling off the road. I unsnapped my seat belt, and erupted from my car in a frantic attempt to wrestle the thing off of me and save my genitals from becoming ice cubes. Yet no sooner than I was out of the car did the WinterThing cease its attack and disappear, leaving me cold, damp and confused, standing in a small puddle of water.
In horror, I glanced back at my car before it call became clear…
Before opening your sunroof, do be sure to remove all the snow from the top of your car.