This morning at work I stopped by the department office to check on any last-minute homework submissions and to say hi to our department secretaries, L and G. On the front corner of L’s desk sat a small plastic bowl filled about one third the way up with bright green Nerds.
You know, Nerds. The Wonka brand of hard candy, consisting of a mass of tiny, crunchy globules of pure sugar with a slightly tart taste. Imagine mating SweetTarts candy with, say, driveway gravel and you have the general idea of Nerds. Now, despite this culinarily repugnant description, Nerds are one of my favorite candy treats: you can’t get anything more sugary than clumps of crystallized sugar, except possibly raw sugar itself.
Candy on L’s desk is something of a common occurrence. Heck, it’s better than a calendar, actually, as L rotates the candy treats in accordance with the appropriate seasonal activities: during October there’s candied corn, during December there’s gummy Christmas trees, during February there’s those little candy hearts made of old blackboard chalk, and so on. What with St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, a bowl of green Nerds seemed fittingly appropriate.
“Hi Laurie!” I said, before grabbing a handful of Nerds and popping them in my mouth.
At that point L made a funny face, quite possibly in response to mine. I had expected a blast of face-puckering tartness, but instead was assaulted by what might most graciously be described as “fertilizer.” My eyeballs rolled around in my head while my tongue tried to remove itself from the offending edibles by leaping out of my skull.
“Ugh! Laurie, those Nerds taste like shit!”
“No doubt. They’re plant food.”