I’m not a big fan of award shows, in much the same way that I’m not a fan of dentist appointments: both tend to be needlessly long, frequently painful, and always leave me with a funny taste in my mouth. However, I was fooled into watching this year’s Emmy Awards by a clever introductory sequence that lead me to believe they were showing a new episode of Lost. Bastards.
In any case, the Queen B and I sat down for the epic three-hour pseudo-event. I’m not sure who won what, but in order to keep my brain from atrophying completely, I did keep notes of the events.
7:00 – Funny introduction. But how well does it bode for a television awards show whose opening song points out repeatedly the sorry state of television programming? I mean, if they’re already apologizing about TV…
7:15 – Some awards are presented by actors. Why is it that when presenting awards, otherwise talented actors interact with all the artistic inflection of a grade school nutrition play?
7:30 – Conan O’Brien threatens to kill Bob Newhart if the Emmys run longer than 3 hours. Because nothing’s funnier than threatening to off a television icon. On a related note, why is the funniest topic people think to talk about regarding award shows is the length of award shows? Does no one realize that the act of talking about the excessive length of an award show only contributes to it?
7:40 – Nominees for the Best Actress in a Miniseries are announced. The Queen B asks, “What is this, the best actress over 70 category?”
7:45 – I’m torn! The Daily Show against The Colbert Report? But in the end, TDS took top honors, and Jon Stewart’s speech was comically nice short and sweet. Guess who’s on notice?
7:50 – Cloris Leachman presents an award… disturbingly. As the B remarks, “I just saw Cloris Leachman wiggle her boobs… and they just kept wiggling. I feel dirty.”
8:00 – Dick Clark is honored. Is it just me, or does Barry Manilow looks like an elf? As if to confirm my suspicions, I swear he sang the lyrics “I’ll be a hobbit on the Bandstand, Bandstand.”
8:10 – The Colbert Report loses to the hobbit. Guess who’s on notice now?
8:20 – Fractals are honored! Well, not really. But a monitor glitch results in a nice visual representation of infinite recursion for a moment.
8:25 – Speaking of recursion… An award is given to a director for directing an award ceremony while directing the award ceremony during which the award is given. My head hurts.
8:30 – The Daily Show wins again. And David Blaine finally does something that amuses me — he dies.
8:40 – Hugh Laurie translates upper crust British into French. “Winnowing the list of contestants down to five.” “Poof! Cinq.”
8:50 – Candice Bergen presents an award. And apparently is going out line dancing after the show.
9:00 – Jacequlyn Smith presents an award. And at 60 years old, she’s still a hottie. Damn.
9:10 – Finally, presenters that don’t suck. Namely, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, the latter of whom steals the show with one-liners. [On the Emmys]: It warps the minds of our children and weakens the will of our allies! [On losing to Barry Manilow]: I lost to Copa Cabana! I could’ve lost to Wolverine… he has claws for hands!
9:30 – Lingusitic observation: Only Brits can say “fall ass over tit” and have it sound proper. It worked for Helen Mirren, but failed (miserably) for both Calista Flockhart and Craig Ferguson.
9:40 – Julia Liouse Dreyfuss wins an award. And totally forgets her husband, even though the cameraman didn’t. Nice.
9:50 – Annette Benning presents an award. And, damn, if she ain’t a hottie too.
10:00 – Is MythBusters on?