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In honor of Halloween, I plunkered down with some recent vampire movies.

I started off with Underworld, in which Kate Beckinsdale stars as Selene, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting black PVC body suits.  Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Selene is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners “Death Dealer,” a bloodsucking vampire special-forces soldier, engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of vampires, namely, werewolves.  During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely alliance with Michael, a soon-to-be-werewolf and hence her natural enemy.  Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, teachery that goes all the way to the top: Viktor, the vampiric father-figure who turned Selene.  There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and sword blades, during which Viktor is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

I continued with Underworld: Evolution, in which Kate Beckinsdale [re]stars as Selene, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting black PVC body suits.  Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Selene is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners ex-”Death Dealer,” a reformed bloodsucking vampire special-forces soldier, engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of vampires, namely, other vampires.  During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely romance with Michael, a brand new vampire-werewolf-hybrid and hence her natural enemy.  Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, teachery that goes all the way to the top: Marcus, the vampiric father of all vampires.  There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and helicopter blades, during which Marcus is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

Changing gears, I watched Blade II, in which Leonor Valera stars as Nyssa, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting black leather body suits.  Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Nyssa is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners member of the Blood Pack, a bloodsucking vampire special-forces soldier, engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of vampires, namely, Reapers (mutant vampires who feed on other vampies).  During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely romance with Blade, a vampire-hunting day-walking half-vampire and hence her natural enemy.  Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, teachery that goes all the way to the top: Damaskinos, the vampiric father of Nyssa.  There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and Blade, during which Damaskinos is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

On the fourth stretch, I sat through BloodRayne, in which Kristanna Loken stars as Rayne, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting red and black leather body suits.  Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Rayne is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners “dhampir,” a bloodsucking human-vampire hybrid, engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of dhampirs, namely, humans and vampires.  During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely alliance with the Brimstone League, a band of medieval vampire-hunters and hence her natural enemy.  Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, teachery that goes all the way to the top: Kagan, the vampiric father of Rayne.  There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and double-blades, during which Kagen is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

I finished off the night with Ultraviolet, in which Milla Jovovich stars as Violet, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting color-changing PVC body suits.  Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Violet is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners “hemophage,” a bloodsucking human mutation resulting in vampirism, engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of vampires, namely, humans.  During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely alliance with Six, a human child whose blood may carry a vampire-targeted pathogen and hence her natural enemy.  Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, teachery that goes all the way to the top: Daxis, the vampiric father-figure who initially released mutation.  There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and blades, during which Daxis is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

At that point, I realized that all of Hollywood owns the same copy of Spooky Mad-Libs, and turned the DVD player off.

Dearest Ladybug,

Today you turn seven months old. I wonder how you celebrated the day with your foster parents. Do they eat birthday cake in China? How do you sing “Happy 7/12-ths of a birthday to you?” in Chinese? Do they celebrate this odometric milestone by smacking your patookus seven times, and once further to grow on? Questions, questions, questions.

Of course, on this side of the ocean, we celebrated your mini-birthday — paradoxically — by opening presents for us. Today we received our travel notice from China. After months and months and months (and did I mention months?) of waiting, China has now seen fit to hyper-accelerate the end of your adoption by sending us over there on November 7. Somebody sure had their caffeine when they sent this.

I can’t believe that in nineteen days, I’ll be a plane heading across the Pacific to finally meet you face-to-face, to hold you and kiss you and bring you home. It is amazing to me that it is on your seventh-month birthday that we got our travel plans! Happy birthday to us!

What amazes me most, little girl, is the fact that the very day we first meet you, they day adoptive parents call “Gotcha day,” is November 13, 2006. That is exactly two years to the day that your mom and I went to our first adoptive meeting. Two years to the day that we met your social worker and spoke with other adoptive families. Two years to the day that we signed our first adoptive papers. Two years to the day that we decided to adopt you.

Of course, what amazes your mother most, however, is the fact that the first day we meet you, this November 13, will also be her birthday. Your mother’s birthday! My little Ladybug, I’ve got to thank you for getting me off the hook for getting your mom a nice birthday present this year. Extra cake for you today!

(Then again, you’ve pretty much made suck any future birthday present I’m liable to get for the woman. Young lady, you are so grounded.)

Ladybug, I know that as you get older, you’ll grow sick of your mom and dad telling you the story of the red thread, and how it brought you to us, and we’ll prattle on and on and blah blah blah while you roll your eyes into your head in that particularly infurtiating way that little girls can, but right now that red thread is as solid and tangible as it’s ever been. We first learned of you the day after your baby cousin’s birthday, and you were found on your grandma’s birthday, and we got our travel plans on your seven-month birthday, and we finally get you on your mom’s birthday! You are, simply put, meant for this family!

(It also means I have big expectations of something spectacular for my birthday, kiddo. I’d suggest the Goldbach conjecture, if you’re looking for something to do.)

Happy birthday, little Ladybug. I love you!

–Daddy

“…And finally, let’s not forget that next month is the campus Open House.  We’d like to communicate to prospective students and parents that our university is opening doors to the community.  We are a communiversity, if you will.”

[ Cough-cough! ]

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.  I just threw up in my mouth a little.  Please continue.”

Here are two interesting sentences for you to ponder over (and over and over…).  The first is quite cute and efficient:

The second is a little more erudite:

…It’s an extremely clever implementation of Quine’s paradox.  Neat.

The Queen B is reading through her substitute teacher list, looking for someone to cover her classes when we go to China to fetch the Ladybug.  Among her list of potential substitutes is the following:

C. Posthumous, Registered Nurse.

Now that’s a name that inspires confidence. 

In fact, the only thing that would make me feel any less comfortable about a nurse named Posthumous is if I found out that she worked for

Dick Carver, Plastic surgeon.