Bela Lugosi's dead

In honor of Halloween, I plunkered down with some  recent  vampire movies.

I started off with  Underworld, in which Kate Beckinsdale stars as Selene, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting black  PVC body suits.   Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Selene is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners “Death Dealer,” a  bloodsucking vampire  special-forces soldier,  engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of vampires, namely, werewolves.   During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely alliance with  Michael, a soon-to-be-werewolf and hence her natural enemy.   Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, treachery that goes all the way to the top: Viktor, the vampiric father-figure who turned Selene.   There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and sword blades, during which Viktor is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

I continued with  Underworld: Evolution, in which Kate Beckinsdale [re]stars as Selene, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting black PVC body suits.   Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Selene is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners ex-“Death Dealer,” a reformed bloodsucking vampire special-forces soldier, engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of vampires, namely, other vampires.   During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely romance with  Michael, a brand new vampire-werewolf-hybrid and hence her natural enemy.   Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, treachery that goes all the way to the top: Marcus, the vampiric father of all vampires.   There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and helicopter blades, during which Marcus is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

Changing gears, I watched Blade II, in which Leonor Valera stars as Nyssa, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting black leather body suits.   Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Nyssa is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners member of the Blood Pack, a bloodsucking vampire special-forces soldier, engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of vampires, namely, Reapers (mutant vampires who feed on other vampies).   During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely romance with  Blade, a vampire-hunting day-walking half-vampire and hence her natural enemy.   Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, treachery that goes all the way to the top: Damaskinos,  the vampiric father of Nyssa.   There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and Blade, during which Damaskinos is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

On the fourth stretch, I sat through  BloodRayne, in which Kristanna Loken stars as Rayne, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting red and black leather body suits.   Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Rayne is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners “dhampir,”  a bloodsucking human-vampire hybrid,  engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of dhampirs, namely, humans and vampires.   During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely alliance with  the Brimstone League, a band of medieval vampire-hunters and hence her natural enemy.   Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, treachery that goes all the way to the top: Kagan,  the vampiric father of Rayne.   There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and double-blades, during which Kagen is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

I finished off the night with Ultraviolet, in which Milla Jovovich  stars as Violet, a female vampire with an affinity for tight fitting color-changing  PVC body suits.   Unlike the standard “bride of Dracula” vampiresses of the movies of yesteryear, endlessly hunting and seducing humans, Violet is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners “hemophage,” a bloodsucking human mutation resulting in vampirism,  engaged in an endless battle against the true mortal enemies of vampires, namely, humans.   During the course of these battles, she meets and forms an unlikely alliance with  Six, a human child whose blood may carry a vampire-targeted pathogen and hence her natural enemy.   Together they discover deception within the vampire nation itself, treachery that goes all the way to the top: Daxis, the vampiric father-figure who initially released mutation.   There is a final climatic battle involving fangs and blades, during which Daxis is killed and the promise of a new tomorrow is ushered in.

At that point, I realized that all of Hollywood owns the same copy of Spooky Mad-Libs, and turned the DVD player off.

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