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While watching television and reading the newspaper and thumbing through a few magazines, I came to the frightening conclusion that there is a dark and insidious conspiracy to take over the world being played out in plain sight, right in front of our eyes.  Granted, conspiracy nuts have been saying this for years, but have you ever listened to any of their theories?  A vast right-wing conspiracy of Christian conservatives trying to turn us into a fundamentalist Puritan state?  A vast left-wing conspiracy of bleeding-heart liberals vying to turn us into a socialized welfare state?  An industrial-military-complex gunning to turn us into a mall-ocracy of guns and butter.  Please.  Who can believe that bolony when the real threat is so frighteningly apparent?

Bigfoot is taking over the government. 

That’s right: Bigfoot.  Sasquatch.  Chiye-tanka.  They’re taking over.

The first time this occured to me was reading the newspaper ealier last month, which included an honest-to-God article describing reports from eye-witnesses that a Bigfoot had been shot and killed at the Pine Ridge Reservation, and that, after a ceremony performed by Indian medicine men, had been moved to the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology for further study.  Apparently, this “breaking news” item was first reported at Cryptomundo.com, and includes an “eyewitness sketch” that suggests that the big guy was more the victim of a run-in with Jack Daniels than Samuel Colt.

I would have simply chalked this up to the occasional ”odd news” topic of the paper, except that the article included an actual press release by the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology outlining how the institution was specifically not studying the body of a recently killed Bigfoot, and that the univeristy was specifically not spending any money whatsoever on secretive cryptozoological research whatsoever.

That’s when it occured to me: that’s exactly what they would say if they actually did have a secret cryptozoological research program underway!  Bigfeet were here…

But not just here in South Dakota! Oh no, the existence of Bigfeet extend well past the borders of my neck of the woods.  Indeed, I now know the horrifying truth of it all: Bigfeet are inflitrating every level of society, preparing us humans to accept them as their masters!

You want proof?  Okay, have you even seen television lately?  Every other program has Bigfoot in it!  You’ve got Bigfoot hawking Discovery Channel shows claiming to debunk them from their mythical status. You’ve got commericals showing technologically savvy Bigfeet using the web to pick up women.  You’ve got commercials showing obnoxious, jerky-eating humans messin’ with Sasquatch in the woods, only to meet horrific ends when it seeks retribution.  You’ve got Bigfeet every weekend on the SciFi channel in movies like Sasquatch Mountain and Sasquatch Hunters and Revenge of Bigfoot and on and on… 

Oh yeah, the message is clear.  Bigfeet are coming to power, and they’re going to take our women and give us the wicked beat-down if we resist.

It’s not just a pop-culture proliferation of pro-paranthropic propaganda, either.  Oh, no, this goes right to the top.  You remember all those emails back in the day comparing George Bush’s facial expressions to those of chimp?  Clearly, that was merely a precursor to prepare us for the awful truth: Bush isn’t a brainless chimp — he’s a Bigfoot masquarading as human.  This side by side comparison of Bush and a clean-shaven Bigfoot provides undeniable proof of this assertion (which also explains the president’s fondness for short grunting noises and general inability to pronounce polysyllabic words correctly):

I fear this Bigfoot Revolution has spread well past our borders, as Sasquatches and Yetis and other gigantothroupus beings are allying together to take over the world.  You can’t tell me these two guys aren’t related:

In fact, it turns out that the bearded misanthrope on the left, Iranian president Mamood Ahmadinejad, started his blog just around the same time as bearded misanthrope on the right, TV’s Sasquatch, started his blog, a coincidence so great that it must dissuade even the most diligent non-believer of the upcoming Sasquatchpocalypse.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!  Bigfeet are among us!  They’re everwhe…. hey, what are you do.. ? fghb… l.,sgd9ofhijqte… agwhyujfq….

….

Nevermind.  I apologize for instilling fear within you, puny humans.  There is no Bigfoot uprising.  Please go about your business as usual.

Dearest Ladybug,

It’s been a week now since the Queen B and I received our referral packet for you.  Included in the FedEx envelope, along with several pages of essential paperwork and the three weathered pictures of you, is an eighteen page medical and personal history.  Well, it’s actually only three pages of English summary and fifteen pages of Chinese forms, so it’s really only those three pages of English and three pictures of you that that the Queen B and I have been staring at and talking about all week.

I find myself staring you, my cutie-patootie-head, sitting there at your favorite toy in China, and reading the few words about your personality and disposition and wondering about what you will be like.  I suppose all dads are like this, but not all dads get a report card and cute pictures of their kids before they meet them, so you’ll just have to indulge me a bit.

According to your foster mom, you just love to listen to music and make noises.   Just like your dad!  Given your fondness for your noisemaking playchair and afinity for tunage in general, I think you’re gonna fit right into our home of recovering rivetheads.  Maybe you’ll grow up to be a phat beat-droppin’ deejay.  The La-D-J-bug in the hiz-nouse, a’ight!

Of course, your foster mom also says that you’re remarkably clever for a little six-month-old, and your medical report indicates a bunch of IQ numbers above the 100s, which I suspect means you’re smarter than your dad.  Couple that with the fact that your favorite toy is, for all intents and purposes, a keyboard with buttons and noisemakers, and you’ve the makings of a future mathematician-slash-computer-scientist.  Awww, daddy’s little complex analyst!

The again, given the fact that the you will be coming home to a pair of educators may have its own consequences, what with all the education DVDs and toys and books the Queen B has already lined up for you.  Given the natural verbosity of your new parents and your already documented fondness for talking gibberish at your peers, and the you have all the makings of a teacher.  Settle down, class!

Oh, all the things you can be, little one!  Each day I go back to your pictures and back to your little piece of history and find myself having big dreams for you.  Of course, not matter what you end up doing, no matter where your interests eventually lay, it is clear that you’ve already become one thing for your mom and I:

See you soon, kiddo.  I love you.

–Daddy

PS. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to help plant the seeds of a future early, so I’ve already bought the you your first tee-shirt from daddy.