Each semester, I offer students a last chance for extra credit by writing their favorite joke or riddle on their crib sheet, with extra credit assigned based purely on how funny I think it is. This semester’s pickings were a little scarce, with most of these jokes being repeated at least once. In fact, the single joke I got the most often was
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9.
which means I’m retiring this one from extra credit anymore. Fortunately, there were a few gems, and here they are without further ado.
Q: What’s this?
A: A cow pie.
Q: What did one angry function say to the other?
A: “You better shut up before I kick your ‘x‘!”
Q: How do you pick-up chicks in a Calculus I class?
A: “I wish I was your derivative, ‘cuz I wanna be tangent to your curves.”
Q: How do you pick-up chicks in a Calculus II class?
Q: You are standing in the center of a square-shaped room whose walls are thirty feet long. In each corner stands a different person: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and a smart blonde. At the same moment, they begin to walk towards you at 5 miles per hour. Who will reach you first?
A: None. None of these are real.
A mathematician came home at 3:00 AM after a night on the town. His wife angrily screams “You’re late! Yous said you’d be here by 11:45,” to which the mathematician replies, “No, I’m right on time: I said I’d be home at ‘a quarter of twelve.’”
Two hyperbolas were sitting on a plane. One hyperbola says to the other “I wish I could oscillate.” The other one replies, “Holy crap! A talking hyperbola!”
Other good ones
Q: How many ADD kids does it take to scre in a light bulb?
A: Let’s ride bikes!
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
A: Still no-eye deer.
Q: What do you get when you mix and elephant with a rhinoceros?
Q: What do you say to a two-headed monster?
A: “Hello, hello!”
Gandhi’s diet wasn’t exactly the greatest. It head to both terrible breath and a weakened body. Moreover, since he wore nothing but sandals, his feet were very rough. So does this make Gandhi a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis?
A young mother gave birth to twin boys, but being poor she had to give them up for adoption. One boy went to a family in Egypt, where they named him Ahmul. The other boy went to a family in Spain, where they named him Juan. When Juan grew up, he decided to send a picture to his birth mother. When the picture arrived, the mother was at first ecstatic, but then suddenly started to cry. When her husband asked what was wrong, she said, “Oh, I wish a had a picture of our other son too!” The husband smiled and replied, “Honey, they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmul.”
A blonde got a job working at a Tickle-Me Elmo factory. Her boss put her on the Quality Control line, thinking nobody could screw that job up. The next day, though, the boss cam in to find the blonde sewing to walnuts onto the crotch of each Elmo toy. Appalled, the boss cried, “What are you doing? All you had to do was give each doll two test tickles!”
A blonde and a brunette were walking in the park when the brunette made a terrible gasp and said “Oh no, a dead bird!” The blonde looks up to the sky and asks, “Where?”
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No” and the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No, we don’t serve those here” and the duck leaves. The next day the duck again walks into the bar and asks the bartender “Got any grapes?” The bartender, irritated, says “No, we don’t serve those, and if you come in and ask again, I’m gonna staple that beak of yours to the floor!” and the duck leaves. The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender “Got any staples?” The bartender says “No.” The duck asks, “Got any grapes?”
Three guys walk into a bar. You figure the third one would’ve ducked.
A blind man walks into a bar… ouch. He gets up as says, “Well I didn’t see that coming!”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
And the winner is…
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender tells them about a magic mirror in the back room that, if you told it something true, would reward you with a sack of gold. However, her cautioned, if you told it something false, you would disappear forever. Intrigued, the girls went into the back room. The brunette stood before the mirror and said, “I think… that I’m the prettiest girl here.” Poof! A sack of gold appeared. The redhead stood before the mirror and said, “I think… that I’m the smartest girl here.” Poof! A sack of gold appeared. The blonde stood before the mirror and said, “I think…” Poof! She disappeared.