Trip to Hawaii, as described through five PA announcements

Welcome to United Flight 1234 with service from Rapid City to Denver, Colorado. I will now go over some of the safety features of this aircraft, so please remove the safety pamphlet from the seat pocket in front of you and pretend to look at it as I talk. There will be a safety quiz midway through the flight, and those who do not pass will be asked to deplane immediately.

We’ve just touched down in Honolulu. As we taxi to the terminal, I’d like to remind you to use care when opening the overhead bins above you, because shift happens.

Welcome and aloha to Honolulu! I’ll be your driver on the Wiki Wiki Bus, making stops at the baggage claim, Terminal 2, baggage claim, Terminal 1, baggage claim, Terminal 2, you get it, yeah? All day long, okay? Ha ha! If you look out the windows, you’ll see lots of sweaty white people, yeah? Hey lookie there, it’s the Playboy Playmates… from like 1975, okay? Ha ha! Whoa, lookit that guy! We got Jesus in the airport! Jesus is coming, look busy, yeah? Ha ha! Okay, we’re at Terminal 2. If you’re going to Maui, go down the stair and go left. If you’re going to Kona, go down the stair and go right. If you’re going to another planet, go down the stair and let the drugs wear off, yeah? Ha ha, okay.

For passengers arriving at Honolulu International Airport on Aloha Airlines Flight 789, please accept the complementary flower necklace provided by our support staff; this lei is merely the first time we’re going to screw you over. If you’re here for a connecting flight, please report to the unmarked and poorly manned check-in counter at the farthest-ass end of the airport. We realize we’ve instructed all other airlines not to issue you your boarding passes for your connecting flights ahead of time, so our our flight representatives will proceed to chastise and belittle you for our foolishness. If they appear lazy and unprofessional dressed in their traditional aloha shirts, be assured that it is only because they are lazy and unprofessional. If you’re lucky, you might be able to convince one of them to issue you a boarding pass before your connecting flight leaves the tarmac. Otherwise, we hope you enjoy your extended stay in the terminal. Thank you for flying with Aloha Airlines, where Aloha means Fuck you.

Welcome to Kona Regional Airport, where the local time is… who cares? You’re in Hawaii! Aloha!

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