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Each semester, I offer students a last chance for extra credit by writing their favorite joke or riddle on their crib sheet, with extra credit assigned based purely on how funny I think it is. Here are some of the better ones.

Mathy contributions

Q: Which knight of the Round Table was a mathematician?
A: Sir Cumference.

Q: (Continuing) …And what was his wife’s name?
A: Lady Di of Ameter.

Q: What is + + ?
A: 9 (tree plus tree plus tree).

Q: What is + + after a dust-storm?
A: 99 (dirty-tree + dirty-tree + dirty-tree).

Q: What is + + after a dust-strom and after a bird poops on each tree?
A: 100 (dirty-tree and a turd + dirty-tree and a turd + dirty-tree and a turd).

Q: What did the constipated mathematician do?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Q: How do you insult a real analyst?
A: “Your IQ < ε."

Q: What's the shortest math joke?
A: "Let ε < 0."

Q: What did the analyst get when he soaked a convergent sequence in brine?
A: A Cauchy pickle!

Q: By what process to two mathematicians determine the timbre of a musical instrument?
A: Four-ear analysis.

Q: Why was the analyst afraid to drive on the interstate?
A: The width of the road was neglible compared to its length.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
A: Elephant · banana · sin(θ) in a direction mutually perpendicular to the elephant and banana as determined by the right hand rule.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scaler.

There was a mathematician named Kate
Who was trying to convince her roommate:
"You see, it is fun,
When three threes make one,
Which is true... when modulo eight!"

Two geeks are talking.
"Do you want to come over and play Halo in my dorm?"
"You had me at Halo."

In the land of calculus, derivatives often like to keep their functions as pets. All of the derivatives for a function over an interval live together as a derivative family. Their pet function has a problem. It keeps growing and growing and eating all the food in the derivative household. The derivatives feel like they must take their pet function to the vet to see what is wrong. They go to the vet, and the vet asks what’s wrong with the function. The derivatives say that their function will not stop increasing. The vet asks, “Are you sure that your function is increasing?” To that the derivatives resoundingly exclaim, “Yes, we’re POSITIVE!”

The ark lands after the Flood. Noah lets all the animals out, saying, "Go and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" asks Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes crawl over the earth, and everybody is happy. Perplexed, Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly," say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

A mathematician tries his had at picking up the pretty girl at the bar. After chatting her up a bit, she asks coyly "Just how old do you think I am?" "By your sparkling eyes, I'd guess 19. By your thin hips, I'd guess 21. By your effervecent smile, 22. Hence, if I sum these..."

π r²? No, pie are round. Corn bread are squared.

Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray to God you don’t multiply.

Biologists think they’re biochemists. Biochemists think they’re pyhsical chemists. Physical chemists think they’re physicisits. Physicists think they’re God. God thinks he’s a mathematicaian. Mathematicians don’t care.

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person. “They have multiplied,” said the biologist. “The original measurement wasn’t accurate,” the physicist sighed. “If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again,” the mathematician concluded.

Theorem: Girls are evil.
Proof. It is known throughout all cultures athat girls require both time and money, hence girls = time · money. Similarly, it is known in business that time is money, whence time = money. Substitution yields girls = money². Since the Bible states that money is the root of all evil, whence money = (evil)^1/2. Substituting again yields girls = ((evil)^1/2)², which simplifies to girls = evil. Q.E.D.

Theorem: All positive integers are interesting.
Proof: Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that’s pretty interesting! A contradiction.

A math teacher was teaching her 5th grade class one day about statistics and probability. She posed the scenario of 3 birds perched on a fence. She asked her students how many birds would be left on the fence if they were given a single rock to throw. She called on one of her students expecting to get the logical answer of one rock has a probability of knocking down 1 out of 3 of the birds. The ever clever student responded, “Well if I throw one rock at one of the birds that one will get knocked down and the others will get scared and fly off, so zero birds will be left on the fence.” The math teacher looking impressed said, “Well I never thought of it that way, but I like the way you think.” The student then asked his teacher a question. He proposed to her that there are 3 women sitting on a bench eating an ice cream cone. One is carefully nibbling on their cone, the other is casually licking away, and the last is sensually sucking on hers. The student then asks his teacher, “Which one of these women is married?” After a few moments of contemplation the teacher with a perplexed look on her face says, “Well I suppose the woman who is sucking on her ice cream cone is the one who is married.” The student then replies, “Well I never thought of it that way, but I like the way you think.”

A little boy comes home from school one day with his head hanging low and a dejected expression. His father asks, “What’s the matter with you, boy?” “My teacher gave me an F in math today,” the boy says. “Why? What happened?” asks the father. “I don’t know. First she asked me what 2 times 3 is. I told her 6.” “But that’s correct, son!” says the father. “Yeah, but then she asked me what 3 times 2 is.” “Well what the fuck’s the difference?” asks the father. Answers the boy, “That’s what I told her!”

The mathematics department at university held a raffle. The tickets were a little pricey at $10 each, but the prize was tantalizing: an infinite amount of money paid to the winner for an infinite amount of time. With such a prize on the line, the tickets sold like hotcakes, and the department soon raised thousands of dollars. When the winner was announced, he gleefully came down to the department office to claim his prize. He found the department head, and asked that he receive his winnings. The department head congratulated the man, and happily pulled out a $1.00 bill and handed it to the winner. “What’s this?” demanded the winner. “You promised me an infinite amount of money over an infinite amount of time!” “Oh, yes, this is just the first installment,” said the department head. “Next week you’ll get 1/2 a dollar, and the week after that 1/3, and the week after that 1/4…”

(After all, it’s a log cabin plus sea.)

Other good ones

Q: What do you get if you cross an engineer with a gorilla?
A: A retarded gorilla.

Q: Why couldn’t the witch have babies?
A: Her husband had a hollow weenie.

Q: Whay couldn’t the fortune teller have babies?
A: Her husband had crystal balls.

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates at Heaven. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer… you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer instead reports to the Infernal Gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer finds he’s dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
    One day God calls the Devil up on the telephone and, in the spirit of a good-natured jibe, askes “So, how’s it going down there?” The Devil smirks. “Things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” “What?” asks God with a start. “How’d you get an engineer? That’s a mistake: he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here.” “No way,” sneers the Devil. “I like having an engineer on the staff. I think I’m gonna keep him.” “Send him back up here,” roars God and, with all his righteous rage, adds “or I’ll sue!” “Oh really?” asks the Devil coyly. “And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

And the winner is…

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when thy spy some tracks. The first decalres “These must be deer tracks.” The second disagrees. “No, stupid. Anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks.” The third chirps, “You morons. Those are horse tracks.” They were still arguing ten minutes later when the train hit them.

Runner up

The Advanced Calculus Instructor, as seen by the student: