So the Republican National Convention is over. Chris Christie yelled, Paul Ryan lied, Clint Eastwood debated an empty chair, and Mitt Romney tried to reproduce human emotions and blew out his CPU. Somewhere in the middle, God’s Own Party hammered out their 2012 Platform. For the benefit of those who haven’t slogged through all sixty-two pages of their magnum opus, we present a useful summary:
The 2012 Republican Party Platform
This platform is dedicated to returning the United States to its historical legacy,
by embalming it if necessary.
The 2012 Republican Platform is a statement of who we are, and what we believe as a party. Who we are is the Party of Real AmericansTM, which is to say Christian, heterosexual, cis-gendered, neurotypical, wealthy men. Just look at our candidate!
What we believe is that the United States was originally founded on teachings of Jesus Christ and the Biblical God, and must remain so. We take the complete and utter lack of mention of either one of them in the Declaration of Independence of 1776, the Constitution of 1787, the original national motto of 1782 (E Pluribus Unim), the original Pledge of Allegiance of 1892, or on any original coinage (like the 1792 penny below) as conclusive proof of this.
Plank 1: Rebuilding the Economy
We believe we must bring the American Dream to Real AmericansTM. History has shown that unions, higher education, reducing international outsourcing, increased minimum wage, and finance/corporate regulation are effective tools for increasing economic gains across the full spectrum of families in the USA, which is why we are opposed to every one of them. And it’s been working, baby!
Instead, we propose giving massive tax breaks to Real AmericansTM, who will then, in their infinite charity, spread their wealth to the 99% of Not Quite AmericansTM (the nonwhites, the homosexuals, the middle- and lower-classes, the womenfolk… you know, the help). That this plan wasn’t worked in the past three decades we’ve implemented it does not trouble us. Neither does the fact that this plan was originally proposed by the star of Bedtime for Bonzo; after all, we’re still committed to imparting a moral code proposed by a 2000-year-old Middle-Eastern Jewish zombie, which we’ll get to next.
Plank 2. Restoration of Constitutional Government
We are the party of the Constitution, the solemn document that affirms our God-given rights, even through the “rights given by the Creator” is actually a part of the Declaration of Independence, and the Constitution itself says rights come from the people. Indeed, this is the central premise of our second plank: to be passionate defenders of a loose assemblage of vague half-notions we imagine the Constitution to say.
As such, we wish to return America to its former greatness, whereby former we mean circa 1780, when only wealthy, white, males — Real AmericansTM — were in charge, and everyone else knew their rightful (or 3/5ths-full) place.
Take, for example, the womenfolk. The world is a frightening and complicated place, and we don’t want them to worry their pretty little heads over it, which is why we seek to eliminate having a woman think about anything we deem might be of value: the economy, the environment, the basic functioning of her reproductive system… stuff like that. Extremists on the liberal side will certainly try to malign our Biblical respect for women by saying we’re demanding that they be “silent, barefoot, and pregnant,” but that is patently untrue: we recommend wearing high-heeled shoes make their legs and asses look sexier.
Or, for another example, the gays and their whining about marriage: we’ve had enough of that, thank you very much. Even though marriage is nowhere mentioned in the Constitution, we nevertheless demand a return to the Constitution’s traditional, Biblical model of marriage. As a result, we are opposed to any form of “gay marriage,” which runs contrary to the Bible’s model of marriage between a man and a woman… plus his concubines… plus his slaves (Exodus 21:4)… plus prisoners of war (Numbers 31:1-18)… plus any virgin he rapes (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)…
Similarly, we support that timeless tenant of Christian faith (whereby “timeless” we mean “less than 20 years old”) that human life begins at the moment of conception. Hence, we will refuse to allow abortions under any circumstances whatsoever, even in cases of rape or incest or life of the mother, because we find all life (other than the mother’s, obviously) so holy and precious. Of course, once the child is born, we are completely opposed government sponsored health care or education or food or clothes because, let’s face it, that little bastard has been on welfare for 9 months now. It’s about time he got a job.
(And since we’ve mentioned it twice already, unlike closed-minded liberals with their black-and-white definition of “non-consensual act of sex,” we Republicans recognize a beautiful rainbow spectrum of rape, from Todd Akin’s legitimate rape to Paul Ryan’s forcible rape to Ron Paul’s honest rape to Bill Napoli’s sodomizing-virgin rape to Steve Brunk’s It’s-like-having-your-car-stolen rape to Rick Santorum’s Gift-from-God baby-making rape to the more friendly rape-with-a-side-fries-and-a-Coke.)
Or take the browns and yellows and reds and gingers, who continue to sneak into our great country (usually by being born here, the fiends) and circumvent the will of Real AmericansTM by such nefarious acts as voting in elections. Hence, we’re committed to preserving the integrity of the voting process by keeping these people out. For example, we support extending the vote only to those citizens who possess an authentic form of identification, such as a GOP membership card, or a checkbook balance with at least 4 zeros before the decimal point. Similarly, we demand that any brown-, red-, yellow-, freckled-, or otherwise-skinned citizen be prepared to produce their American birth certificate to any person who asks for it at any moment it is asked for. (Tax returns, of course, should be rightfully considered off limits.)
We are committed to preserving our First Amendment right to freedom of religion by ensuring that prayers to Our One True Savior Jesus Christ begin every school day and official governmental meeting. Moreover, we believe it is important to financially support Real AmericansTM like Chick Fil-A’s CEO and COO, who stick to their commitment of religious values in the face of godless opposition, even when such support goes to finance hate groups whose demonstrable lying and calls for exportation and death go against the very teachings of the religion they claim to stand for.
We are committed to preserving our Second Amendment right to keep and bare arms, because it is obvious that George Washington wanted every man, woman, and child to have the ability to shoot incendiary shells at their neighbors at a rate of one-hundred rounds per minute. Moreover, we applaud Justice Antonin Scalia’s defense of the founder’s original intent of applying the Second Amendment to such trivial things like hand-held rocket launchers, but not axes or cannons, which are clearly altogether more dangerous.
Plank 3. Energy and the Environment
Drill, baby, drill! If God didn’t want Americans to use oil and coal, we wouldn’t killed off the dinosaurs, would He? Q.E.D.
More to the point, we roundly reject any efforts to promote “clean energy” for 2 reasons. First, “clean energy” is meant to halt “global warming,” which is just a theory proposed by egghead, liberal, elitist scientists and not a proven fact, just like the similarly unprovable theories of “evolution” or “electromagnetism” or “gravity”. Second, clean energy is also called green energy, and green is the color of envy, and envy is a sin. Therefore — in contrast to “science” and its “theories” — it is a provable fact that clean energy makes Jesus cry.
Finally, we demand the return the land seized by the government as “protected natural resources” back to the private hands of Real AmericansTM, because we’re desperately running out of new golf courses to play on.
Plank 4. Reforming Government
We believe that our elderly citizens are important, which is why we feel that is just makes more sense to let private insurance companies deny and/or ration out health services to them, rather than the Medicare system withits namby-pamby legal prohibitions against doing just that. After all, who does the American public trust and respect more than their medical insurance companies?
We also reject the appointment of activist, leftist judges who clearly have no idea what the original Constitutional Framers intended. Instead, we need more justices who understand the concept of original intent, like the aforementioned Antonin “Madison obviously endorsed rocket launchers, not axes” Scalia.
Plank 5. Building Healthy Families and Schools
We believe the prerequisite to be a well-adjusted Real AmericanTM is a traditional, 1950s-era family. So for all you who come from families with one parent, gay parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, step-parents, or any other form of pseudo-”parents,” the Republican Party respectfully suggests you are almost certainly physically, emotionally, or mentally damaged, and ought to consider getting your head looked at.
Just don’t expect the Republican Party to pay for it. We aim to repeal Obamacare, that ghastly socialist Communist fascist pogrom of “affordable health care for everyone”
modeled after Governor Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts health care system personally penned and delivered unto the White House steps by the cursed hand of Beelzebub himself. We find Obamacare’s “free baby-killing pills for sluts” clause particularly unChristian and unAmerican: after all, if an employer cannot dictate both the health care options and reproductive destinies of each and every one of his employees, then truly the terrorists and atheists have already won.
As for education,we must ask, just as former President George W. Bush did: Is our children learning? We have noticed that as students become more educated and versed in critical thinking skills, they consistently side with liberals, Democrats, social progressives, and other forms of heathen. The obvious conclusion to draw from this, then, is that education is a liberal ploy to bias young people against Real AmericansTM, and so we are fundamentally opposed to it. Instead, we’re committed to having children be taught at home or at church, and if they must go to public school, that we adopt the Texas Republican Party Platform’s forward-looking stance on education:
We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (HOTS) (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs that are simply a relabeling of Outcome-Based Education (OBE) (mastery learning) which focus on behavior modification and have the purpose of challenging the student’s fixed beliefs and undermining parental authority.
Consequently, we propose teaching history only from the Bible, ethics only from Atlas Shrugged, and science only from this Tumblr.
Plank 6. American Exceptionalism
USA! USA! USA!
Also, no fags in the military.
USA! USA! USA!
…And Israel too!