[ Chris Pine and Karl Urban are running through the red-plant forest from War of the Worlds while being chased by the natives from Raiders of the Lost Ark. ]
Chris Pine: This opening scene shows us that this is not your parent’s Star Trek movie!
Karl Urban: No… it’s apparently your parent’s Steven Spielberg movie instead.
[ They escape by cliff-diving, where the starship Enterprise is resting on the bottom of the freaking ocean. They enter the bridge, which still looks like an Apple store’s Genius Bar, and contact Simon Pegg in engineering, which still looks like a Budwesier brewery. ]
Simon Pegg: Cap’n, it’s time to go. The salt water’s corrodin’ the nacelles and floodin’ me kilt.
Karl Urban: That‘s the problem? This starship is at the bottom of the ocean… Even assuming a ridiculously shallow depth of 500 feet, there should be at least 15 atmospheres of pressure pushing in on this ship from all directions. How many atmospheres can the Enterprise withstand?
Pegg: Well, it’s a space ship, so I’d say anywhere between 0 and 1.
Urban: What, was it built by Planet Express?
Chris Pine: Never mind the questionable physics, we need to beam Zachary Quinto out of that active volcano before his freeze bomb detonates.
Pegg: Sorry, cap’n, I canna beam ‘im through that volcanic activity.
Pine: Aren’t you the same guy who, in the last movie, jerry-rigged a broken-down transporter to beam the pair of us onto a starship located billions of lightyears away while it was itself moving faster than the speed of light? And now we can’t beam up a guy less than 5 miles away... because it’s too smoky?
[ The Enterprise rises from the ocean floor, the sight of which completely destroys the indigenous religion and becomes their new God, the profound implications of which are never to be considered again during the movie. Oh, and they beam up Quinto, too. ]
[ Meanwhile, back on Earth in London, Noel Clarke’s daughter is dying in a hospital. ]
Benedict Cumberbatch: As a fellow BBC thespian, I will save your daughter by giving her some of my mysterious super-blood, in exchange for which you will suicide-bomb the hell out of a Starfleet bunker. By the way, I’m totally not Khan.
Noel Clarke: Man, I should’ve stayed on the TARDIS. [ Blows up. ]
[ Meanwhile, back on Earth in San Francisco. ]
Bruce Greenwood: Chris Pine, you’ve violated the Prime Directive, falsified official documents, and violated at least 17 bestiality laws with those two naked cat-chicks in your hotel room last night. You’ve got no right to be in Starfleet much less commanding its flagship Enterprise. You’re off the ship, and back to the Academy.
Pine: Man, this sucks.
Greenwood: On second thought, why don’t you be my first officer on the Enterprise again?
Greenwood: Let’s hope nothing terribly incapacitating happens to me in the next, say, five minutes so that you’ll get another battle-field promotion to Captain like in the last movie.
[ Cumberbatch flies up in Airwolf, kills him, and beams away. ]
Greenwood: Ah, shit. [Dies. ]
Peter Weller: Dammit! It turns out that Benedict Cumberbatch, who is totally not Khan by the way, has declared war on Starfleet, but is hiding on the Klingon’s home-world of Kronos. Chris, I need you to take our most recognizable vessel, violate all of our treaties with the Klingons by entering the Neutral Zone, and utterly murder Benedict without trial by nuking him with these 72 utterly mysterious photon torpedoes, which you will fire without provocation on Kronos, in all likelihood starting an all-out war with the Klingon Empire in the process. Do you have any problems with this?
Pine: Just one. If their home world is called Kronos, why the hell are they called Klingons instead of Kronons or Kronians or something like that?
[ Chris Pine gets the gang back together in the Mystery Machin— I mean, the Enterprise. ]
Pine: All right, gang, here’s the mission. We’re going to take Starfleet’s most recognizable vessel, violate our treaties with the Klingons by entering the Neutral Zone, and utterly murder Benedict Cumberbatch, who is not Khan, by nuking him with these 72 utterly mysterious photon torpedoes, which we will fire without provocation on the Klingon home-world, in all likelihood starting an all-out war with the Klingon Empire in the process. Do you have any problems with this?
Zachary Quinto: I have a problem with this. It’s immoral and illogical.
Pine: Shut up. I’m replacing you as Chief Science Officer with Alice Eve in lingerie.
Simon Pegg: I too have a problem with this. It’s immoral and dangerous.
Pine: Shut up. I’m replacing you as Chief Engineer with Anton Yelchin. Get off my ship.
Anton Yelchin: It’s a good thing our characters are completely interchangeable and don’t have definite roles that have been established for, say, almost fifty years!
Pine: Seeing as how nobody else has a problem, let’s go to Kronos.
[ Pause. ]
Pine: Wait. I’ve just realized what we’re doing is immoral, illogical, and dangerous. Let’s do the right thing, and bring in Cumberbatch to stand trial!
Pegg [ at home ]: Son of a…
[ The Enterprise, sans Simon Pegg, goes to Kronos, but gets a flat tire, which is pronounced as “warp core malfunction” in the future. ]
Pine: My ship is broke. How should we get Benedict Cumberbatch now? Who I shall emphasize again is not Khan?
Quinto: The only logical answer should be obvious, Captain. This is a summer blockbuster action movie. If we follow the plot from similar such movies such as The Dark Knight or The Avengers or Skyfall, we should chase the villain, have him handily beat our asses for a while before suddenly surrendering, whereupon we shall imprison him in a large glass cell until he reveals his backstory and escapes.
Pine: Sounds like a plan! Zoe Saldana, come along for comic relief.
Zoe Saldana: Oh no you di’int!
[ They chase the villain to Kronos, where they meet Klingons. They all get the shit kicked out of them by Benedict Cumberbatch, who suddenly surrenders and is brought back to the Enterprise and placed in a large glass cell. ]
Pine: So why did those Klingons look so weird? Is this one of the consequences of the whole “Alternate Timeline” thingy established in the last movie?
Quinto: No, Captain. Klingon faces just get retconned about as often as Time Lords.
Cumberbatch: Two Doctor Who jokes already and not a single mention of Sherlock? Enough, inferior fools. Time for my completely unexpected backstory.
[ Pause. ]
Cumberbatch: I’m Khan.
Quinto: You’re Khan? Khan… Noonien… Singh? Apparently racebending exists in the twenty-third century.
Cumberbatch: I am a genetically engineered superman from 300 years in your past. Peter Weller awoke me to design weapons to be used in a new war with the Klingons. My comrades are asleep in those mysterious torpedoes Peter Weller gave you. Also, he slashed your tires and is on his way to kill you right now.
[ Suddenly an evil Starfleet ship comes out of warp. We know it’s evil because its big and black and covered with spikes and skulls and stuff. ]
Peter Weller: You’re coming with me, Khan!
Cumberbatch: Is that a Robocop 2 reference?
[ The USS Enterprise warps back to Earth, but the USS MurderDeathKill warps faster and shoots the hell out of it, causing it to suddenly fall out of warp. ]
Quinto: That is most illogical. I do not understand how the almost instantaneous deceleration from faster-than-light speed to a full stop did not cause the crew to be spattered and crushed against the interior walls of the ship, Captain.
Pine: Never mind that… why the hell does warp travel look exactly like the East Australian Current from Finding Nemo?
Simon Pegg: It’s alright, Cap’n. I’ve stowed meself a’board the evil vessel and have temporarily disabled its weapons and thrusters, ’cause there’s nothing more exciting than watching two ships just floating through space aimlessly for a half hour.
Pine: We need to get over to that ship and stop Peter Weller. But how?
Quinto: Perhaps we should recycle another plot point from a summer blockbuster. I suggest we redo the “space jump” scene from our last movie, except this time do it horizontally through space instead of vertically through air. But let’s keep the sound of wind rushing past for no apparent reason.
Benedict: By the way, I suppose it’s about time for for me to escape and betray you, don’t you think? What do you say to letting me come with you?
Pine: What could possibly go wrong?
[ They space jump. Horizontally, this time. It’s thrilling, especially when Chris Pine’s heads-up display gets damaged by space debris. ]
Chris Pine: Oh crap… I’ve switched off my targeting computer. How will I ever get through this tiny corridor in space to reach the tiny exhaust port on the big evil Death Ship in one piece?
J.J. Abrams: You know I’m directing Star Wars next, right? Use the Force, Kirk!
[ He does. He and Cumberbatch arrive on the evil starship. ]
Peter Weller: How’d you get on my ship? I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids.
Pine: Sorry, old man! It’s time to arrest you and take you back to Starfleet for your own trial.
[ Cumberbatch instead crushes Weller’s skull like a grape with is bare hands. ]
Pine: Or that, you know. Whatever.
Cumberbatch: Alright, Enterprise. Beam me my crew in their torpedo-slash-sleeping bags or I’ll suffocate you to death. I’ll give you some time to discuss this amongst yourselves and find a way to outsmart me while I google for some spoilers on Sherlock Series 3.
Zachary Quinto: Get me Leonard Nimoy!
Leonard Nimoy: Why am I in this movie again? The whole point of the last Star Trek was to establish that you guys were now in an alternate timeline, allowing the franchise to go in new and exciting directions. Now you’re recycling Khan and Old Spock because you can’t think of anything better to do? What’s next? You gonna hit me up to sell cars with you?
How about we just take the sleeping dudes out of the torpedoes and just beam over the outer casings with the warheads activated.
[ He does. The USS MurderDeathKill blows up. ]
John Cho: Oh no! The Earth’s gravity has suddenly decided to affect us now that we’ve conveniently dispatched the enemy ship. We’re all going to die!
Chris Pine: Not if I go into the heavily irradiated warp core and fix the delicate but misaligned nuclear power source by kicking it repeatedly!
[ He does. The Enterprise is saved, but Chris Pine remains locked in the radioactive room while Zachary Quinto talks to him through the door. ]
Pine: Er… dying act… clever twist on original… Star Trek 2 ending… let’s not do anything more to make it… cheesy… okay?
Pine: Damn, man. [ Dies. ]
[ Just then Benedict Cumberbatch pilots the surprisingly intact USS MurderDeathKill into downtown San Francisco, destroying several office skyscrapers, killing thousands of people and injuring millions more. ]
John Cho: Sir, Benedict Cumberbatch has crashed his ship into a heavily populated metropolitan area. There are probably millions of dead or injured people who could use our assistance. What should we do?
Quinto: Could we completely ignore them and instead beam me down to chase Benedict around for a bit on flying squad cars for awhile?
[ He does. They fight. Eventually Zoe Saldana beams down too and they subdue Benedict through a combination of phaser blasts, offensive Vulcan mind melds, and blunt force trauma to the head. Karl Urban then synthesizes Cumberbatch’s blood into a cure for death for Chris Pine, although not, apparently, for anybody else who died in the city. ]
Chris Pine: Well, it’s been one year since those horrible events take place, and since every high-ranking Starfleet officer was either killed or implicated in Peter Weller’s scheme… so looks like I get to captain of the Enterprise again! Kick. Ass.