Now You See Me: the komplexified script

[ Four magicians scattered across the United States are summoned to a crappy   New York apartment by Tarot cards.   Because when a random Tarot card tells you to do something, you do it, dammit.   ]

Dave Franco: I’m an up-and-coming magician, a profession I subsidize by being a pick-pocket and petty criminal. I shall exhibit these skills by breaking into this apartment.

Woody Harrelson:   I’m a talented mentalist, a profession I subsidize by blackmailing strangers I meet at airports and bus depots.   I shall exhibit these skills by tightening this slightly loose light bulb.

Jesse Eisenberg: I’m a neurotic, fast-talking, anal-retentive control freak who has overcome my inherent meekness to seduce hot chicks.   Of course, since that’s my usually my entire character schtick and I already did that in the first 5 minutes of the movie, I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to do for the next 110 minutes.   Let me randomly flick this light switch.

Isla Fisher: I’m a talented escape artist who is apparently surrounded by a bunch of dicks. Now let me water this conspicuously placed plant with this equally conspicuously placed watering can.

[ She does so, thereby activating a fog machine and also the Death Star holographic projector from Star Wars. ]

MYSTERY MAGICIAN: Good morning, Four Horsemen. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to perform the greatest magic trick in history: pulling off the greatest heists in history while the world watches!

Eisenberg: Awesome!   With my incredible planning skills, we should be able to…

MYSTERY MAGICIAN: No, I’ve already got the plans here.   Just follow them to the letter for the next year or so.

Eisenberg: [ Disappointed. ] Oh.

Franco: But we’ll learn the secret of true magic?

MYSTERY MAGICIAN: Nope.   There’s no magic here.

Franco: [ Disappointed. ] Oh.

MYSTERY MAGICIAN: Just a lot of unlikely plot contrivances, sleight of hand, and Woody Harrelson using his skillset to save Eisenberg and you two other kids.

Harrelson:   [ Disappointed. ] Dammit, it’s Zombieland all over again.

MYSTERY MAGICIAN: Pretty much.   This movie is essentially Ocean’s Eleven meets  The Prestige, but without the witty banter or clever plot twists.   Should any of your team be killed or caught, we’ll resolve that with a “twist” at the end of the movie.   This tape will self destruct in 5 seconds.

[ One year later, the Four Horsemen are performing in Las Vegas. ]

Eisenberg: For our grand finale, we shall rob a bank. Can we have a random audience member, preferably one who banks in, say, France?

Jose Garcia: Mais, oui!   C’est moi!

[ Jose puts on Professor X's Cerebro helmet and steps into a open box, that appears to crush him, but magically sends him into a French bank vault, where he vacuums up the money an escapes through an air duct before being magically transported back to Vegas. ]

Eisenberg: Ta-da!

Audience members: From our point of view, all we saw you do was perform a cheesy disappear/reappear trick with a planted co-conspirator, together with some “mockumentary” video footage and clearly pre-packaged French money falling from the rafters.   This trick blows.

Eisenberg: But tomorrow when you watch the news you’ll think this is a cool trick.   Good night!   No refunds!

[ Tomorrow, everyone finds out the bank was -- gasp! -- robbed. Cops close in on the Horse Horsemen. ]

Fisher: I suppose now I should use my skills as an escape artist.

Harrelson: No, I got this. [ Surrenders. ]

Fisher: [ Disappointed. ] Oh.

Mark Ruffalo: I’m a grizzled cop who hates magic and wishes superstition and fairy tales and even Lucky Charms.   I know those guys robbed that bank without magic.

Melanie Laurent: I’m your new Interpol partner from France who believes in magic and wishes and fairies.   What are the ends we would be teamed up?

Morgan Freeman: I’m an ex-magician turned professional magic debunker.   This trick was easy to do. Obviously, the Four Horsemen went to France a while ago, acquired an armored truck from that bank, stole the money, replaced it with counterfeit money rigged to vaporize at exactly this date, found a patsy, used hypnosis to make him come to Las Vegas on just this night, staged choosing him at random, dropped him to this perfect reproduction of the bank vault built under the stage, and then yanked him bank, all whilst he was still hypnotized.   It’s obvious when you think about it.

Ruffalo:  Er, what?

Laurent: Or it was real magic.

Ruffalo: Riiiiiiiiight.   I guess we’re just gonna
let this one slide.   I hate magic.

[ The Four Horsemen next perform in New Orleans. ]

Eisenberg: For our grand finale, we shall rob an insurance magnate. Can we have a random insurance magnate, preferably one who has appeared in, say, other magic-themed movie?

Michael Caine: Oi!   Right here, blokes!

[ Woody Harrelson chooses several people completely not at random from the audience, and shows a number of oversized checks featuring their bank accounts.   Then the balances on their checks increase while Michael's balance drops by the EXACT SAME AMOUNT. ]

Eisenberg: Ta-da!

Audience members: You know, from our point of view, all we saw you do was perform an arithmetic problem with cheesy disappearing ink and several planted co-conspirators, but this time without the video or the free money.   This trick really blows.

Eisenberg: No refunds!

[ Just then the police burst in to arrest the Four Horsemen. ]

Fisher: I suppose now I should use my skills as an escape artist.

Eisenberg: No, I got this. [ Uses suddenly acquired freerunning skills to climb up walls and slip out through New Orleans like the Amazing Cajun Spiderman. ]

Fisher: [ Disappointed. ] Oh.

Mark Ruffalo: I’m still hate magic, but now I’m angered by it.   You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

Morgan Freeman: This trick was easy to do. Obviously, the Four Horsemen cozied themselves up to Michael Caine, got him to fund their magic act, got him to secretly divulge his computer passwords by hypnosis, infected his computer mainframe trojan horse virus programmed to access his bank accounts to transfer money to people his insurance company boned at precisely that time, and probably used lemon juice and a hot pack for the invisible ink trick.   It’s obvious when you think about it.

Laurent: Or it was real magic.

Ruffalo: Riiiiiiiiight. I really  hate magicians.   Fortunately by partner has found out where they’re hiding in New York, so shut the hell up, both of you.

[ The police burst in to arrest the Four Horsemen in their New York apartment. ]

Fisher: I suppose now I should use my skills as an escape artist.

Franco: No, I got this. [ Uses suddenly acquired martial arts skills to kick the cops' asses six ways to Sunday like the bastard offspring of Jason Bourne and Ethan Hunt. ]

Fisher: [ Disappointed. ] Oh.

[ Three of the Horsemen escape, but Dave Franco dies in a fiery car crash after police chase him from the apartment. ]

Mark Ruffalo: I really hate magic, but at least there’s one less magician out there to hate.

Morgan Freeman: Not quite.   This trick was easy to do.   Obviously, the Four Horsemen new you were coming, set up an elaborate fight sequence with you in order to make sure you got the location to their last trick, and then faked Dave’s death by attaching a decoy car to the front of a bus that happened to be directly in front of you at all times and making the switch by distracting you with Jesse Eisenberg in the world’s worst mustache disguise.   It’s obvious when you think about it.

Laurent: Or it was real magic.

Ruffalo: [Stares at both of them.] MAGIC MAKE MARK ANGRY!   MARK SMASH MAGIC!

[ The Four Three Horsemen next perform in New York. ]

Eisenberg: For our only trick tonight, we shall turn into giant piles of money that we swear we magically stole from an armored truck this very night!

[ They jump off the top of a building and turn into piles pf fake money that rain on the audience. ]

Eisenberg: [ In the ether ] Ta-da!

Audience members: You know we didn’t see any of the cool armored car switcheroo set pieces that occurred immediately before this scene, right?   You guys  really suck at magic.

Eisenberg: [ In the ether] No refunds!

[ Just then the police burst in to arrest the Three Horsemen... who have already vanished. ]

Fisher: [ In the ether ] Why the hell did we even establish I was an escape artist in this movie?

Eisenberg: So the guys in the audience could goggle your tits and ass during the opening scenes.

Fisher: [ Disappointed. ] Oh.

Mark Ruffalo: I positively hate magic.   The complete lack of reasonabe explanations for the previous crimes has meant that I cannot arrest the Four Horsemen!

[ Suddenly Morgan Freemen's SUV bursts open, revealing that every available cubic centimeter of its interior is filled with the stolen money. ]

Ruffalo: However, the complete lack of any reasonably explanation for how this money got into your car right now clearly means that I should arrest you!

Morgan Freeman: I was framed.   This trick was easy to do.   Obviously, the Four Horsemen snuck into the secret warehouse with the secret safe and erected a giant mirror at a precise 45 degree angle to give the impression of the room being empty to anyone who happened to, say, only look at the room but not actually walk into it, which of course they didn’t, being hypnotized by Woody Harrelson who cleverly embedded subliminal messages throughout his entire Cheers career.   Then, when you were out chasing the fake truck, they smashed the mirror, broke into the safe, a filled by car with  that money.   It’s obvious when you think about it.

Ruffalo: Piss off, Morgan.

Laurent: Or it was real magic.

Ruffalo: You too, Melanie.

[ They arrest Morgan Freeman. ]

Freeman: I was framed.

Ruffalo: I know.   This trick was easy to do. Obviously, I am the son of one of the magicians you debunked, who went on to die disgracefully in a failed escape attempt. So I dedicated my entire life to seeking revenge on you and anyone tangentially related to this crime, but devising an elaborate plan to be executed by four master magicians, while I would simultaneously infiltrate the police force to make sure that I got this one exact case to secretly make sure it succeeded. Because that was a hell of lot easier than just, say, shooting you. It’s obvious when you think about it.

Freeman: That… doesn’t make a lick of fucking sense.

[ Meanwhile, the Four Horsemen -- that's right, Dave's not really dead! -- use their original Tarot cards to activate a treeborg which takes them to the magic carousel from Something Wicked This Way Comes. Or something.   Meanwhile, Mark goes to France to explain everything to Melanie Laurent. ]

Ruffalo: … and that’s exactly what happened.

Laurent: Or it was magic.

Ruffalo:[  Facepalm. ]

THE END

This entry was posted in flixify. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Powered by sweet Captcha