Pi-partisian legislation

WASHINGTON | In an address to the nation, President Barack Obama declared Saturday, March 14, 2015 as Super Pi Day.  “My fellow Americans,” the president said, “today is a chance to reflect on one of the most important constants in all of mathematics and science, pi.  For on this once-in-a-century morning of 3/14 of the 15th year at 9:26 and 53 seconds, we find the first 10 digits of pi‘s decimal expansion: 3 point 1 4 1 5 9 2 6 5 3.”


“As I’ve said before,” the two-term president continued, “Americans must move back to the top of the pack in mathematics and science, and there’s no better place to start than with an appreciation of this much better approximation of one of nature’s most profoundly important constants.  It’s certainly much better than last century’s old 3.14.”  President Obama then unveiled an executive order to adopt 3.141592653 as the national approximation for the irrational, transcendental number pi.

While Obama’s actions met with support from both Democrats and the nation’s two largest mathematical groups (the American Mathematical Association and the Mathematical Association of America), Republicans in both houses of Congress are unified in their opposition to the better approximation of pi.

Representative from the Tea Party Caucus.

GOP Representatives in the House were outraged at the president’s perceived power-grab.  “I can’t believe the President is suggesting we give out more pi to every American!” Louie Gohmert (R-TX) announced in a press release.  “It’s just another handout from Big Government!”  Representative Dave Brat (R-VA) agreed. “Who’s going to pay for these extra digits?  We’re stealing digits from our grandkids’ numbers to pay for this bloated left-wing, socialist, mathist agenda.”

Other Representatives expressed concerns regarding religious freedom. Renee Ellmers (R-NC) declared “Once again, Christianity is under attack by this President.  The Bible very clearly says in I Kings 7:23 that the alter font of Solomon’s Temple was ten cubits across and thirty cubits around in compass… therefore, according to the Bible, the bedrock of our Judeo-Christian laws, God says that pi is 3.  Not 3.14 or 3 point 666 or whatever.”

We must stop being the party of stupi— ah, never mind.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) also expressed his dissatisfaction with Obama’s choice of approximation.  “Time after time, this president has chosen to re-write federal law on his own without a vote of Congress,” Boehner noted in a press conference, “and now he’s lawlessly rewriting the digits of pi!”  Boehner has already instructed his Republican caucus to repeal Obama’s extra digits of pi, although when asked with what digits he planned to replace them, remarked that the reporter could “kiss his ass.”

This is really Boehner’s response to a repeal question…

Republican members of the Senate expressed similar sentiments.  Ted Cruz (R-TX) cited Obama’s executive order as another example of his unlawful executive overreach.  “This isn’t what the Founding Fathers would have wanted,” he preached on the Senate floor.  “They wanted a limited central government, where the individual states could decide for themselves what the value of pi ought to be.”

…and this is really a page from Ted Cruz’s official coloring book.

Senator Cruz, together with 45 other Senators, added their names to an open letter from Senator Tom Cotton (R-AK) to President Obama providing the commander-in-chief with a basic civics lesson.  In it, Cotton writes “We will consider any assignment of value to pi that is not approved by the Congress as nothing more than an hot air.  The next president could rewrite the digits of pi with the stroke of a pen, and future Congresses could modify the definition of pi at any time.

Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK) also took the floor to cite evidence that pi was a hoax perpetrated by a cabal of left-leaning mathematicians and scientists.  “I ask the chair, do you know what this is,” Inhofe said to Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-La.), who was presiding over the Senate’s debate, as he removed a calculator from a plastic bag.  “It’s a mechanical abacus. And when I push the “pi” button, it says 3.141593 each and every time!”  Inhofe then threw the calculator at Cassidy before concluding with “We hear how pi has all these digits from all these mathy-magicians, but look: that machine says it has only 6.  Six!”

Don’t get me started on climate change or that hippity-hop music…

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was unable to be reached for comment regarding the new pi controversy, being on vacation at his winter home in the Swamp of Sadness.

…’cause McConnell looks like a turtle, see?

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