4:00. The Super Bowl? Come on! I was waching MythBusters!
4:05. The Steelers are playing… the Cardinals? What, did Mark McGuire come out of retirement?
4:10. The Ladybug notices that the players are wearing black band-aids under their eyes. “Can I wear my Disney Princess band-aids on my eyes too?” she asks. “If you see a player wearing Disney Princess band-aids on TV, then yes, you can wear yours too,” I answer.
She’s now currently glued to the screen.
4:15. “Oh my gosh!” cries the Ladybug. “Those guys knocked that boy down! That’s very naughty.” “That’s why those players are called offensive.”
4:20. The first several Super Bowl commercials are run-of-the-mill plugs for uber-pricey luxury cars? Weak.
4:25. Oh crap! They’re making a movie out of Angels and Demons. I gotta get my ambigram page up before they become “cool” and I have to disparage them.
4:30. I am reminded of a famous quote: “Football combines the worst aspects of American culture. It’s violence punctuated by committee meetings.” To that, let me also add “recounts.”
4:35. …although apparently recounts are handled better in the NFL than the Electoral College. Who knew?
4:40. Dorrito’s commercial WIN! Yay snow globe violence!
4:45. Chuck 3D promo FAIL! That’s 2-D, not 1-D, dumbasses.
4:50. “I like football,” announces the Ladybug. “Why?” I ask. “I like their hats. They have stripes on it.”
5:00. Another Dorrito’s commercial: WIN again! Yay lingerie babes and bus-hicular manslaughter.
5:10. Every Super Bowl I’ve ever watched is either an exciting, hard-fought close battle between two equal foes, or a staggering dull one-sided blow-out. With the (heavily favored) Steelers leading 10 to zip, this is looking like the latter.
5:25. Cars.com commercial WIN! I like any commercial unafraid use the phrase “successfully negotiated a later bedtime through a effective use of pie charts.”
5:30. “He’s got five sacks under his belt.” Sounds like a guy with a career in porn ahead of him.
5:50. Cardinals, with 18 seconds to make a easy 10-yard field goal that will tie up the game at the half, instead try for a touchdown pass that gets intercepted. Said interception is then run out for a 18-second, 100-yard Steeler touchdown, the longest (successful) play in NFL history.
I think we have a new definition for “adding insult to the injury.”
5:55. Enough with the 3D commercials!
6:00. It’s time for the Half Time Show. Thank God America’s Funniest Home Videos started.
6:10. Sweet! AFV + Wipe Out! = Super Bowl Spectacular.
6:20. Dear Toyota: of course towing several tons is hard on your tranny. Just how much do you think a guy who looks like this can conceivably pull?
6:30. Rats. Game’s back on. Blah blah blah another tackle blah blah blah another pass blah blah blah another challenge.
6:35. Monster.com WIN! And with a surprising lack of moose crap.
6:40. The Game Plan + The Matrix + Hancock = the new Witch Mountain movie.
6:50. You know, there’s not enough punching of small marsupials on TV.
7:00. Okay, it’s the end of the third, the score is 20 to 7, and we’re repeating commercials. Is MythBusters still on?
7:40. Even the commercials are bored now…
7:41. Hey, this game got interesting. The Cardinals have a chance to w…
7:42. Never mind.
7:45. Whoa! The Cardinals get a touchdown, turning the tide 23 to 20 in their favor. Ouch. Having your history-making, tide-changing 100 yard touchdown mooted by an underdog victory is…
8:49. Never mind. Is MythBusters still on?
(Oh, P.S., I’m back from Alaska.)