May the odds be ever in your flavor

The Ladybug: I get so confused between Liam Hemsworth and Chris Pratt.

Me: Who?

LB: Thor and Star Lord.

Me: Thor is Chris Hemsworth.

LB: Oh right.  Then who is Liam Hemsworth?

Me: He’s the guy in Hunger Games.  One of Katniss’ boyfriends.  Kale, I think.

LB: Gale.  “Kale” isn’t even a word.

Me: “Kale” is kind of cabbage.

LB: Cabbage?  You think they would they the name a guy after food?

Me: Why not?  They named her other boyfriend after Greek flatbread.

LB: …?

Me: Pita.  As in pita pocket.

LB: On my gosh.  They’re all named after food.  Maybe that’s why it’s called the Hunger Games.

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Think inside the box

A conversation at the gas station.

Clerk: Nice TARDIS hoodie.

Me: Thank you.

Clerk: It looks a little small to fit me though, except….

Me: ….

Clerk: It’s probably bigger on the inside.

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The Ladybug: Hey dad, wanna hear a joke I made up?

Me: Sure.

LB: What did the man say when his wife went on vacation?

Me: I don’t know.  What did the man say when his wife went on vacation?

LB: Bon voyage!

Me: ….

LB: …

Me: … I don’t get it.

LB: “Bon voyage?” That’s so funny sounding.

Me: It’s French for “Have a good trip.”

LB: Oh.

Me: If you want to make a joke out of that, you’ll have to make a play on the words…  Something that sounds like “bon voyage,” but has a second meaning that references the characters in the joke.

LB: What?

Me: Let me give you an example.   What did the stick of dynamite say when his wife went on vacation?

LB: What?

Me: Bomb voyage.

LB: Ohhh… it’s a joke because dynamite is used for making bombs.

Me: Correct.  Or: what did the chocolate candy say when his wife went on vacation?

… Bon-bon voyage.

LB: Good one.  Or how about: what did Flynn say went Quorra went on vacation?

… Tron voyage!

Me: Now you’re getting it.  How about: what did the stoner day when his girlfriend went on vacation?

Bong voyage!

LB: What’s a stoner?

Me: Right. Comedy lesson over.

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A one-sided conversation with the Butterfly

She: Oh. My. God. That little boy is pulling out his pee-pee.

She: Gross. That boy has his pee-pee out again. I can see the hole where the pee comes out and everything.

She: That boy is doing it again. He’s just holding on it while he watches his iPad.

SheEww. Now the boy is pulling on it. I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to stretch for gymnastics.

She: Ugh, dad! You just snorted your soda out of your noise. Man, boys are GROSS.

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In order to keep the next GOP debate finished in a reasonable amount of time, they asked the candidates to summarize their campaigns in haiku.


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