Let ε < 0.

11.30.08

Number party

Filed under: Lower-division jokes, Puns, Walks into a bar — Travis @

All the numbers go to a party and numbers, being what they are, disperse by parity: all the evens hang around each other and all the odds do the same, with neither group interacting much with each other. As 34 was chatting with 72 he notices 0 standing awkwardly by himself in a dark corner. “Hey 72,” says 34, “That 0 guy is even; let’s invite him over to hand with the even guys.”

72 agrees, so off go the two numbers invite 0 into their little group.

“Hey 0,” askes 34, “why don’t you come an talk with me and 72 and 16 and 22 over here?”

0 sighs heavily and replies, “Sorry. I have nothing to add.”

11.29.08

Math in pill form

Filed under: Lower-division jokes, Puns — Travis @

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says “Wait just a moment”, and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a pill the size of a watermelon, and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

11.28.08

Math degrees

Filed under: Academic humor, Lower-division jokes — Travis @

The McDonald’s version

My friend Brad recently got his Master’s Degree in mathematics from the MIT. Unfortunately, he’s having some trouble finding a job (it’s tough to get a math job these days). He’s already spent two months looking for a job. He’s running low on rent money so he decided to work in the Central Square McDonald’s on weekends and look for a job during the week.

After Brad handed in an employment application, the manager told that he wasn’t qualified.

“Not qualified? I’ve got a Master’s degree in Mathematics from MIT!” he said.

The McDonald’s manager shrugged. “All of our mathematicians have PhDs.”

The zoo version

A mathematics student had just finished his Ph.D. in Princeton, and he was looking for jobs. After a year with no success, he finally landed a job with the zoo as a zookeeper. One day, the bear in the zoo died. The zoo was facing the same financial crisis as the universities, and so they could not afford to buy another bear. So they asked the student to dress up in a bear costume and pretend that he was a bear. The salary they offered was definitely an increase, and so he took this job. He was put into a cage, and with time he became very good at imitating a bear.

However, he had one worry. The bars between his cage and the next cage were loose. And in the next cage was a very ferocious looking lion. One day, his worst fears were realized, and the bar broke loose. The lion jumped through the bars, and ran up to the student. Extending his paw, the lion exclaimed, “Hi, I’m Phil, a physics major from Stanford.”

11.27.08

The make-up test

Filed under: Lower-division jokes, Urban legends — Travis @

Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it’s time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend’s birthday in another city — even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.

They go to the professor’s office and offer him an explanation: “We went to our friend’s birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help.”

The professor nods sympathetically and says: “I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning.”

When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing. The first question — five points out of one hundred — is a simple exercise in integration, and all four finish it within ten minutes. When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:

Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?

11.26.08

The logician and the judge

Filed under: Lower-division jokes — Travis @

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. “Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the man.

“I’m a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof.”

“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.

“Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card.”

“And?” said the judge.

“And he asked ‘Can you prove you are from New York City?’”

“…And?” said the judge, exasperated.

“I stabbed him.”

11.25.08

Integration

Filed under: Puns, Upper-division jokes — Travis @

Billy needed to integrate the function 1/(1+x). Stumped, he glanced around the class, and saw that Amy, who always got things right, had written “log(1+x)”, so he copied the answer from her.

Of course, Billy was a sharp tack himself, so in order to prevent himself from being caught copying, he rewrote the answer as “timber(1+x)”.

11.24.08

Psalms

Filed under: Lower-division jokes, Puns — Travis @

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: “The Kingdom of Heaven is like y = 3x2 + 8x – 9.”

A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: “What on Earth does he mean by that?”

Peter smiled. “Don’t worry. It’s just another one of his parabolas.”

11.23.08

Institutionalized

Filed under: Puns, Upper-division jokes — Travis @

A new Ph.D. in algebra gets a temporary position at a university for a year. He bumps into one of the faculty and, having the cockiness and arrogance of youth, says to him, “I have heard it said that all logicians go insane. Why then did you decide to study Model Theory?”

“My dear doctor, very few logicians go insane but the entire algebra faculty is seeing the psychiatrist,” replied the logician.

Thusly tempered, the young man replies uncertainly, “The entire faculty?”

“Yes, they’re all in group therapy.”

11.22.08

Hyperbolas

Filed under: Lower-division jokes — Travis @

Two hyperbolas were sitting on a plane.

The first hyperbola says to the other “I sure wish I could oscillate.”

The second one replies, “Holy crap! A talking hyperbola!”

11.21.08

Two mathematicians walk into a bar (variation)

Filed under: Upper-division jokes, Walks into a bar — Travis @

Here is a clever variation on the classic Two mathematicians walk into a bar.

Two mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The second mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the first calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “‘a‘ squared plus ‘b‘ squared.”

She repeats: “A square plus a bee square?”

He repeats “a squared plus b squared.”

“Ay squared plus bee squared?”

“Yes, that’s right”, he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “Ay squared plus bee squared… Ay squared plus bee squared… Ay squared plus bee squared…”

The second guy returns and the first proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress a simple algebra question, and the second happily agrees.

The first man calls over the waitress and asks “What is (a+b)2?”

The waitress says “Ay squared plus bee squared” and while walking away, turns back and adds with a wink “…assuming a and b are anticommutative.”

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