Let ε < 0.

05.21.09

Ultimate test

Filed under: Academic humor — Travis @

In honor of the end of the semester, I present the following in-class exam. I’ve been told you can find this in William Nivak’s “The Big Book of New American Humor.”

INSTRUCTIONS
Read each of the following fifteen problems carefully. Answer all parts to each problem.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origin to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on it social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa.
Be brief, concise and specific.

2. MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix.
Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING
2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 50 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your desk.

6. PSYCHOLOGY
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodites, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, and Hammurabi.
Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct and experiment to test your theory.

8. ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find and instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

9. ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

10. POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its social-political effects, if any.

11. EPISTEMOLOGY
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

12. PHYSICS
Create a small rapidly rotating black hole. Investigate and report on its effects on the opto-electric properties of Seaborgium (element #106). Clean up your experiment after you’ve finished.

13. PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its significance.
Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

14. ASTRONOMY
Define the universe. Give three examples.

15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

230 Comments »

  1. I think I’m going to begin researching these areas, especially what is specifically mentioned in the questions.
    I will return to this site in a week and see if I am any more prepared.

    :D

    Comment by Kirsten — 05.22.09 @

  2. 4 hours?! That is unreasonable.

    Comment by Alex — 05.22.09 @

  3. I had a paper version of this that I copied over and over. The title was “What Hath God Wrought.” I used to work as a lecturer at the University of Illinois at Chicago, and I once handed it out to students as a joke. Very happy to have found it again.

    Comment by Mark — 05.22.09 @

  4. This should be the test for every politician prior to being elected…

    Comment by Dad — 05.22.09 @

  5. that is a kick-ass test, by the end of my life I will at least complete one of them

    Comment by Nightazday — 05.22.09 @

  6. 4. Biology:
    Procreate in class. No time limit given, so wait the 9 months for incubation, and study for 2 more months. At that point one can only assume that they have studied the new life sufficiently enough to answer the essay question, to which you would say no effect, by demonstrating what exactly would happen to this new 2 month old form of life if left alone in an isolated and primitive enviroment for a length of time.

    7. Sociology:
    None, everyone’s dead. To show this, take a group of people, introduce them to a biosphere type envirament in which they live, isolated from the rest of humanity. Simulate a disaster sufficient enough to completely decimate the population (e.g. Asteroid, War, Nuclear Annialation, global warming) then prove you argument by demonstrating to graders an the complaint box from the biosphere, which will be empty.

    8. Engineering:
    Let’s assume that there are no munitions included, as they weren’t mentioned in the given materials. Now, there are two available paths
    A. If you fellow students are in the room, them make sure you are faster than the slowest student. If you are the slowest student, then be stronger than the weakest student and incapacitate them to give to the Tiger. (You have just demonstrated the cutthroat skills necessary to get by in engineering management)

    B. If it is just you, the gun, and the tiger or you are the slowest and weakest, then use the barrel of the rifle to break through the window and escape.

    9. Economics:
    Print more money…I’m pretty sure that works.

    11.Epistemology:
    Against. Proof: Consider the cake.

    13.Philosophy:
    How do we eat?
    Why do we eat?
    Where do we eat?

    Comparisons to other knowledge: more of the same.

    14. Astronomy:
    Everything.

    You, me, and the dirt.

    15. General Knowledge:
    Deloreans are the best. I read it in a book so it is true.

    For all other questions simply borrow ideas from the nearest intelligent student.

    Comment by Jrhii — 05.22.09 @

  7. Fantastic. Great test.

    Comment by Geof W. — 05.22.09 @

  8. It has been my experience that if you let e0 tomorrow.

    Comment by Les — 05.22.09 @

  9. this is excellent!

    Comment by Martin M. — 05.22.09 @

  10. Dude, I wish I was this inspired after finals week!

    Comment by Nigel — 05.22.09 @

  11. Hmmm…. #8 makes all the rest very easy. Especially #3. #12 also makes the rest very easy, as “cleaning up” would mean letting the singularity suck the world in then collapse.

    Comment by zephoid — 05.22.09 @

  12. This is one of those test where if you fail you actually pass…

    Comment by Sientz — 05.22.09 @

  13. aaaand done. think i passed

    Comment by Josh — 05.22.09 @

  14. I am graduating from with my bachelors degree in two days. I do believe i accomplished all of these during the five years it took me to complete my degree. :-) By far the most complete and hilarious exam.

    Comment by Natalie — 05.22.09 @

  15. absolutely hilarious. that’s all that is needed to be said.

    Comment by blair — 05.22.09 @

  16. Hahahahhahahahaha. 2, 12 (”clean up after your experiment after you’ve finished”),13 and 15 are the best.

    Comment by Sherry — 05.22.09 @

  17. I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to accomplish this amazing test.

    Comment by Noah — 05.22.09 @

  18. wery clever… oh wait, whats that other thing? tedious, thats it

    Comment by Sathan — 05.22.09 @

  19. Funny, but it loses its intellectual intimidation with the intermittent grammatical errors. Check numbers 1, 7, and 8.

    Comment by Drew — 05.22.09 @

  20. If i saw this on my final exam, i would first, crap my pants, promptly get to work, and be summarily torn apart by the aborigines. thanks for the post!

    Comment by Randall — 05.22.09 @

  21. I love this list… haven’t laughed that hard in a while.

    Comment by George — 05.22.09 @

  22. I would like to take a moment to discuss my grade. As you are aware I received a B- on the astronomy final and I am having difficulty understanding how adding a fourth example could be so damning an ingredient. All 370 pages were well-cited. Please explain

    Comment by Don't think so — 05.22.09 @

  23. wonderful

    Comment by barb — 05.22.09 @

  24. The answer to this test and all questions involved is 42. Thank you.

    Comment by Benny — 05.22.09 @

  25. Where is the extra credit question?

    Comment by Mark — 05.22.09 @

  26. Can I have a do-over? Question 4 has gone terribly, terribly wrong. :S

    Comment by DJ — 05.22.09 @

  27. haha. I would definitely love to observe the classroom while this test is being taken.

    Comment by August — 05.22.09 @

  28. Number fifteen is by far the best. Fourteen’s wicked as well. Good show!

    Comment by Qazwsxfkly_nh — 05.22.09 @

  29. Interesting. I have only done 3 of these, and that took me thirty years. I guess I fail….. Ehh Shit happens

    Comment by Dramox — 05.22.09 @

  30. im having trouble cleaning up my black whole

    this is epic!

    Comment by bubba — 05.22.09 @

  31. 1. The Papacy’s general effect on the world was unification under one teaching and the development of stagnant truth so that esoteric learning stopped in its tracks and all information about life, the universe and everything was controlled by an elite that didn’t know any more about truth than anyone else. Were the teachings of Jesus Christ left unchecked, the Western World could have transformed into a type of Buddhist Society. However, the vast domination of people and localities would not have existed. I refuse to be specific.

    2. Done, awaiting inspection.

    3. (2500+anger) X napalm = chill the fuck out

    4. Life is. Life cannot be created, it is life’s natural tendency to replicate and sustain itself, it is the universe’s natural way. It needs no intelligent designer nor dead-universe theory.

    5. This Orchestra is called the Power of Silence. Please close your eyes and empty your mind for the next 30 minutes.

    6. Alexander was a deeply repressed heterosexual forced to live as a bisexual, his daily sodomy caused him a deep amount of stress as exemplified by the following quotes, “Roxane: You love him?
    Alexander: He is Hephaistion.” He feels unable to withdraw from his life-style though he does not prefer it. This probably lead to intense dissatisfaction which he projected against the world.

    Ramses II had terrible adjustment issues due to being beaten severely as a child. He turned to sex addiction in order to cope. To justify this, I will draw a quotation of his works, not by him though. “Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II… Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?”

    St Gregory suffered from intense narcissism which caused him to act in steep hypocrisy. The cause of this narcissism was probably his inappropriate relationship with farm animals where he grew up. This condition got so bad it eventually led to a complete lack of cognitive dissonance. For instance, he said, “He is not wise to me who is wise in words only, but he who is wise in deeds.” He is obviously trying to be wise with words, and yet bashing people that say wise things. Sicko.

    Finally, Hammurabi suffered from intense delusions of grandeur to the extent that he thought he was king of the universe. As evidence began to build up that he was no such thing, he was forced to rationalize such evidence in more and more extreme ways and take stranger actions to adjust. At one time, upon seizing a man’s land, he claimed, “If a chieftain or a man leave his house, garden, and field and hires it out, and some one else takes possession of his house, garden, and field and uses it for three years; if the first owner return and claims his house, garden, and field, it shall not be given to him, but he who has taken possession of it and used it shall continue to use it.” This was a means to justify his ownership of all around him.

    7. The effects of an apocalypse upon the earth would immediately cause dismay and panic, however society at large would adjust and begin to do what’s necessary, putting away their sense of self for the health of the world in general. Then the robots will come. Currently I am consulting with a higher power for help with the experiment. It shouldn’t take longer than four hours to complete, I’ll keep you posted.

    8. That’s something you learn in boot camp and it has very little relevance to engineering, however seeing as how a tiger is being let loose I’ll argue this later. Hypothetically, I would look for a small child and chuck it at the animal for distraction time.

    9. Maintain a free capitalist central government with taxes only for the military and other such national institutions. Repeal the amendment that grants corporations the same rights as people, and enable local communities to do what is necessary for their own survival, including localizing and regulating industries as they see fit. Legalize marijuana and cut other such unnecessary uses of time and money. Remove money and automate farms, textiles and construction to enable all human beings living within the state to be fed, clothed and sheltered for free. Free human beings to pursue their own life purposes without being restricted by their need to put food on a table or have a table. Finally, remove the government and allow engineers, city planners, scientists and philosophers to become the new leaders of society. This would increase the cubist style due to the freedom for artists to create whatever inspires them without wondering if something would sell. Donatism would probably not be very effective as Martin Luther took care of most of their ills with the church, and then some, however dogmatic religious cults could give rise as the rejectionists to this new society would cling to their religion for leadership, enabling a new form of donatism to emerge. As far as donovanism, which I think is equally important to consider, there might be a wider movement of unproductive hippy stoners banging on drums and shit. As far as the light wave theory, scientists, free of their need for financial backing, could use the resources at their disposal to create a stunning inter-galactic armada. Maybe they’ll also further prove the validity of light waves along the way, I don’t know. The drawbacks to this theory is that people will probably give up power to some strongman figurehead and a socialist dictatorship will come into power.

    10. Apparently WW3 has been going on for some time now. The United States has not been in a declared war since WW2 and it’s not likely there will ever be a tipping point where it declares war again, so there is no line between war and not war. However, with the nationalist movement in South America in the 80s and terrorist camps and torture camps all over the world, it’s self-evident that we’ve been in a third world war since Reagan which has little chance of ending any time soon. The effects of this war have been the mass disappearances of millions of people in South America as well as political assassinations, the rise to hegemony of the United States and as a reaction to said Hegemony, a deep global disgust of their national policy which has led to terrorist reaction.

    11. I am for truth, and I argue this by saying truth is indefinable with words. Truth is a river flowing through our perception, it is the ultimate pursuit underlying all other goals and desires we have as human beings. To find truth would end the universe. Anyone who thinks they know something is clinging to an illusion. To know is to be.

    12. Studies suggest the universe is full of an infinite amount of black holes which exist at the heart of every atom. Other studies suggest black holes don’t exist, they are merely nexus points for energy invented by astro-physicists refusing to believe gravity was not the ultimate power of the universe.

    13. Human thought emerged first as self-awareness. Not the buddhist definition of the word, but merely awareness that one is a self. It was the first act of separation between one being and everything else it perceives. It began to obtain an identity, contained within it were the body and feelings, and the mind and its thoughts. These things were mistaken as being the person itself, when really we are just perceivers using our body and mind as a mechanism for said perception. Unfortunately, this caused attachment, it caused separation and it caused unease as people lost track of their true selves. They projected consciousness against the world, creating many gods, until this unified into one god by the Jews. At first this god was rejected, but resistance empowers and he became the world’s dominating idea. The world was spiritual and everything was defined by God, but as corruption became more and more apparent in the communicators of God’s word, this definition of existence eventually fell apart and humanity began trying to understand what the world was with no basic premise or foundation. From this, the Scientific Method was born. As time went on, science focused more and more on exoteric reality and esoteric reality was left for “pseudo-scientists” and spiritualists. The two have become distinct, when really they are one. This is significant because we needed to lose our true selves in order to find it. As the Buddha said, there is not nirvana without samsara. Another thought-form I would compare this to is no-mind which is neither a kind of thought nor not a kind of thought and therefore not disprovable as a type of thought. My comparison is as follows: .

    14. The universe is infinite potential seeking manifestation. For example, the original form before the big-bang contained every single particle within the universe. It did not have to pop, but at the same time, it was only a matter of time before it did. It would continue to exist as infinite potential until it popped, making this manifestation inevitable. Another example is time, which did not exist before the universe, all laws of physics developed alongside the explosion of the big bang, meaning reality as we know it did not exist until the big bang and the universe could have taken a radically different form. It took this one because it had the potential to, but its potentials were infinite. My last example is mass, which is really just slow vibrating energy. Energy vibrating at a high enough frequency becomes pure consciousness and all forms dissipate. Consciousness itself contains infinite potential.

    15. I know nothing, I merely have a collection of facts and memories which guide me through the day. Objectivity does not exist, as argued by Albert Hoffman. Without a perceiver, nothing is perceived. Therefore, the only truly objective, specific way to answer this question is the following: . Even that fails.

    Comment by Kip — 05.22.09 @

  32. Fucking great!

    Comment by alex — 05.22.09 @

  33. …what a cruel test

    Comment by john — 05.22.09 @

  34. I think I did this exam at uni a few years ago

    Comment by ellie — 05.22.09 @

  35. this is a bit much for 4 hours

    Comment by WOW — 05.22.09 @

  36. first! v funny

    Comment by adam — 05.22.09 @

  37. um, well I guess its kinda funny in a very sarcastic tongue in cheek type of way but really more just plain silly…

    Comment by fccfu — 05.22.09 @

  38. Very clever
    Very funny

    Very good!!

    Comment by Pie Face — 05.22.09 @

  39. LOL – thanks for the laugh. I was crying with it!

    Comment by Jason — 05.22.09 @

  40. I think the medical exercise should be last. That Scotch is apt to sway some of the following answers.

    Comment by Bink — 05.22.09 @

  41. I get assignments like this all the time. No. 4 is especially hilarious.

    Comment by Christopher Garlington — 05.22.09 @

  42. Um, im not sure so just lock in A

    Comment by braz — 05.22.09 @

  43. this is genious, this is!

    Comment by chris — 05.22.09 @

  44. Completed all tasks in 3 hours 48 mins ; checked through the answers over the next 11 mins then spent 1 min wondering what the Achilles heel was?

    Comment by Kazevac — 05.22.09 @

  45. LOL “clean up after your experiment” I also got a good chuckle from the Biology segment of this exam… create life, and how would this form of life affect the British parliament, had it developed 50 million years earlier. hahaha! excellent

    but I think more than four hours is needed for this one. just a thought

    Comment by Adelle — 05.22.09 @

  46. In my day we had to work hard to pass tests. No easy questions like these…

    Comment by Len — 05.22.09 @

  47. Pretty sure i got an A, the only problem was that i ran out of Seaborghium halfway through the experimentation.

    Comment by Smartass — 05.22.09 @

  48. 16. Mathematics

    Prove the Riemann Hypothesis.

    Comment by jimmyjones — 05.22.09 @

  49. indeed an ULTIMATE test.

    Comment by morgan — 05.22.09 @

  50. Number 7 has a typo mistake. Please correct it. You have 5 minutes

    Comment by tj — 05.22.09 @

  51. Is the fact I got 42 out of 15 a good thing or a bad thing?

    And where do I store my appendix now?

    Comment by Archie — 05.22.09 @

  52. I was finished in an hour and a half so I made a nice Hungarian stew utilizing the meat from the Bengal Tiger. Had some trouble controlling the black hole but it is after all the END of the semester. Where do I send my volumes and recordings to be graded?

    Comment by Rick — 05.22.09 @

  53. See, I’d find this a lot funnier if I didn’t have a professor who might actually try to get away with something like this >.>;;

    Comment by Lumancer — 05.22.09 @

  54. So I got 12 of them, I’m having problems being that my only gauze is dirty, I don’t have the rifle pieces, and stupid relativity is screwing up my blackhole, but other then that, seems easy enough.

    Comment by John Dow — 05.22.09 @

  55. Meh, I could do that in 3.5 hours…

    Comment by David V. — 05.22.09 @

  56. Wow, once they gave me the bottle of Scotch I would’ve just drank that and waited to try my best at slicing up the tiger

    Comment by Matt — 05.22.09 @

  57. I love this!!!

    Comment by Hippy — 05.22.09 @

  58. Bullocks.

    Comment by zkarl — 05.22.09 @

  59. Pencil okay?

    Comment by Gary of Oregon — 05.22.09 @

  60. classic

    Comment by eerie — 05.22.09 @

  61. Hilarious. I don’t think I will pass.

    Comment by ElektrikRobot — 05.22.09 @

  62. No copying!!

    Comment by brendan — 05.22.09 @

  63. Enjoyed the test; however, I was a bit sad to see a music question without any art related questions.

    Comment by Emma — 05.22.09 @

  64. 1.) Catholics like to pretend that Peter was the first Pope, but they just like to make themselves seem more important. Christianity wasn’t ridiculous enough back then, so Emperor Constantine infused a bunch of pagan holidays (such as the ritual sacrifice of bunnies to the pagan goddess of fertility, Eostre). So the papacy enjoyed increasingly effective brainwashing for a long time to come. Some people call this the Dark Ages. They successfully stifled all scientific progress in Europe, but Muslims elsewhere were off inventing things like Algebra, which the papacy decided was a grave sin. Thus, Pope Urban II called upon all Christians to kill these heretic Muslims, as well as the Jews that fought alongside them. Anyone who died in the endeavor would, of course, be sent straight to heaven. 500 years later, they lost. As a result, intelligent people such as Copernicus and Galileo started advancing the sciences, much to the chagrin of Pope Paul V, who convicted Galileo of heresy for upholding Copernicus’ heliocentrism. Both Copernicus’ and Galileo’s works were censored by the Church until 1835. People were growing more intelligent again, so the papacy suffered a steady decline in influence, even though they tried their best to remind people of papal infallibility by formally defining it in 1870. Pope Pius XII attempted to let all the Jews die in the Holocaust under the guise of neutrality, but the rest of the world was far too intelligent by then to allow it. Pope John Paul II tried to relax the strict conservatism of the papacy, but it was too little, too late, as agnosticism and atheism continued to grow. Heartened by the rise of the Bible-thumping right marking an eight-year decline of intelligence in America, the current Pope, Benedict XVI has marked a return to the conservatism of old, refusing to punish the bishop who pretends that the Holocaust never happened.

    THE END.

    Well, I took number one, someone else take number two now.

    Comment by Luke — 05.22.09 @

  65. Will this be graded on a curve?

    Comment by Jay Gordon — 05.22.09 @

  66. Gathered in a room down the hall is the complete membership of the Accounting Society of America. You are to prepare and present a successful argument against double entry book keeping. You have two hours.

    Under your desk you will find a bucket of sand. From these materials you are to construct a transistor. Then build a computer that is faster than any existing machine. You have two hours.

    Comment by Torfoot — 05.22.09 @

  67. 16 Explain the biological basis for kindness, love, right and wrong and tell how they could have evolved from purely biological means without any transcendent being to instill them.

    Comment by Chrys — 05.22.09 @

  68. I think I might withdraw from any course offering this test…

    Comment by Nate — 05.22.09 @

  69. This is simply diabolical…

    Comment by Jerrad — 05.22.09 @

  70. I hope I never have your class.

    Comment by Mark — 05.22.09 @

  71. Done… There wasn’t one question on the test.

    Comment by Kaiwren — 05.22.09 @

  72. In-fucking-credible… this is one of the best things I have read, ever. Just need to proof read it :-P.

    Comment by Lee — 05.22.09 @

  73. that was cool!
    enjoy the summer break!!

    Comment by sr — 05.22.09 @

  74. Haha, this is brilliant.

    Comment by Mr. W — 05.22.09 @

  75. This is SOOOO olde. I recon at least thirty-five years old. Has anybody got an exact date for this plagiarism?

    Comment by Firstmate — 05.22.09 @

  76. one of the funniest things ive seen recently. i have just completed a two hour socio exam and have moral and logic next week.

    Comment by hairymary — 05.22.09 @

  77. 1. Papacy, the beginning of social manipulation.
    2. Apply scotch, apply gauze, remove appendix with razor, apply gauze, apply scotch, drink scotch. Seal.
    3. Raise hands slowly with vibrations of lowest resonance in the room. Lift to the sky, drop to the ground. No word said. All words stop.
    4. Wake up, first words said; open your eyes. Words taken literally, eyes open, life open.
    5. 011111077701340181703177774051111134101333104444117017777701112222322211123456789
    6. I try.
    7. Done.
    8. Look through the barrel of the rifle, aim it down the centre of the tiger’s eye line, look through the scope and eye ball the center of the tiger, you are now the tiger.
    9. Illuminate.
    10. The eagles have landed.
    11. No light no soul.
    12. Eye ball a vortex.
    13. Interrupted.
    14. A slow vibration
    15. We are all one.

    time taken: 7 minutes

    Comment by Jacob Butler — 05.22.09 @

  78. 42

    Comment by Doug Las A. — 05.22.09 @

  79. I couldn’t find the red phone. Other than that, everything else went well.

    Comment by Wow — 05.22.09 @

  80. Dang I only managed to finish 14/15 in the 4 hour time limit :-P

    Comment by Adam — 05.22.09 @

  81. This makes me happy lol

    Comment by Julie Ball — 05.22.09 @

  82. Crisis Management: A gamma-ray burst from a distant galaxy happens to strike the Earth dead-on rendering all results of this examination irrelevant.

    Comment by SparcMan — 05.22.09 @

  83. i love this.

    Comment by andy — 05.22.09 @

  84. Oh my…that’s definitely one hell of a test. Wouldn’t want it as my final for sure.

    What class is this for?

    Comment by Bryce — 05.22.09 @

  85. Shame I didn’t finish reading it before I said that too…I feel bright.

    Comment by Bryce — 05.22.09 @

  86. Always the same stuff… I once gave you all the answers, all the proofs, and so on, guys… find them and call me again if in need of any kind of help, ok?
    By the way, tryin’ to be me can be …somewhat …dangerous, sorry!

    God/

    Comment by Randy Foxx — 05.22.09 @

  87. I’m all finished in a record 15 seconds… There isn’t one “question” on this test.

    Comment by Me — 05.22.09 @

  88. I’ve taken an exam or two like that !!!!!

    Comment by bruce — 05.22.09 @

  89. This test would be incredibly difficult to acomplish. I myself and a Psyc major and thought the Psycology test question about as close to being impossible without being compleatly impossible as I can think of. im also compleatly umfamiliar with the works of Gregory of Nicea or Hammurab. so i belive i do get a failing grade on this one. thanks for you laugh. sorry my english is’nt great.

    Comment by roesreader — 05.22.09 @

  90. hhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahah!!!!!

    Comment by baci — 05.22.09 @

  91. epic

    Comment by anonymous — 05.22.09 @

  92. Piece of cake.I could be finished with 1 hour and 27 minutes to spare.
    Just let me have two Hostess “Ho,Ho’s and a Vualt soda before starting. ^_^

    Comment by Me-Mo — 05.22.09 @

  93. I don’t know what to say about this test.
    Amazing, unexpected and certainly creative.
    Nicely constructed,

    Comment by Laurana — 05.22.09 @

  94. How did I stumble upon this? Is it a joke? I was expecting a punchline but if the joke is that these are just really broad questions for a in-class exam… well I dunno this just sucks.

    The only punchline I could get is that the instructions say to answer all the questions, yet there is no formal question (as denoted by a question mark). If that is it, that’s even sadder than the basic idea that it’s just a overly-broad test.

    I’d love it if the owner of this blog explained his thoughts, and if it was an original post. If your explanation is ok I’ll remove my thumbs-down rating.

    Cheers!

    Comment by Peter — 05.22.09 @

  95. I think i’d fail this class.

    Comment by Mister2 — 05.22.09 @

  96. Sir, Could I have an extension please?

    Comment by Koshermal — 05.22.09 @

  97. Is partial credit available?

    Comment by Prometheus — 05.22.09 @

  98. This is excellent.

    Comment by Alana — 05.22.09 @

  99. 1. History- We all deeply love popes: how they turn their heads at the molestation of young boys ,how they deny the use of controceptives, and how some of them use to participate in fun child programs the Hitler’s Youth. They are very stylish, wealthy, social, politically correct, god enforcers, who impact all of the world not just Europe, Asia, America and Africa. I think it’s awesome how they are second only too god. Thankyou, Saint Peter for allowing the world to expirience these truly wonderful beings that we call popes.

    2. Medicine- Things got a little bloody but i got the job done. I drank most of the scotch because i do my best work intoxicated. I had Acting Surgeon Genral Steven K. Galson check my work and he was so very impressed that he asked me to remove his. I did all this in 12 minutes flat.

    3. When the Abrigines arrived i spoke to them in one of their 250 native dialects, Inuktitut. I told them to quietly take their seats and wait to be served fried kangaroo with a side of emu. Then i proceeded to give them a lecture on why airconditioning rocks. I only had one spear chucked at me throughout the course of the seminar and it missed so i was happy.

    4. I created a Zulatanman, it’s a lot like a human but it actually has wings and psychic powers. If this species would have been developed 50 million years ago then they would have breeded with humans and we would all currently have wings. They would have little or no effect on the human parlimentary system because they do not believe in such a thing. My proof- Zulatanman’s are fucking awesome.

    5. My concerto kicked ass, it brought tears to the eyes of the spirits of both mozart and beethoven. I had drummer questlove help me create the drum sample, michelle from american pie helped me with the flute sample, and me and stevie wonder tackled the piano section of the concerto. Lil Wayne rapped to my music as i played it at MSG in front of 45,000 people.

    6. I’m not willing to answer this question because these men were very private and i would hate to talk about their demons.

    7. Strangely their will be no socialogic problems after post apocolypse becuase of the simple fact that their will be no humans left to bicker. I use the movie “Mirale Mile” as my prime example.

    8. I am a proud member of the NRA so i considered it an insult for there to be a intruction manual given in my possession. To make things interesting i closed my eyes and assembled the weapon, too bad their was no amunition left for me to try firing the beautiful peace of hardware. When the Tiger arrived i used my animal whispering powers that i acquired while staying in Tibet with the Dhali Lama. The tiger is now my pet and i named him Snuggles.

    9. Economics- This one is simple, to end the National debt all we have to do is allow Bernard Madoff to oversee that national bail out plan. I hear he is very responsible and trustworthy. More need be said? I think not.

    10. Political Science- I picked up the phone, called Isreal, pretended i was president Barack Obama and said “You know what? We Americans had a change of heart, go ahead and bomb the shit out of Iran. Then i would proceed to call China and tell them that Vladimir Putton told me that he thought all asians looked like fish and that they should send him a nuclear message.———- Let’s just say i enjoyed watching world fireworks that look like mushrooms safely from NORAD in Co. Springs.

    11. Epitemology- The truth shall set you free. My proof: Jesus said it.

    12.Physics- This was simple, i talked Jean Gray from the x-men into using her powers to make the pluto collapse in on itself. Nearly everything in the Milky Way except Earth vanished. It was fun to prove Steven Hawkins theory that information can indeed be destroyed.

    13. Philosophy- We wake, we think about eating, we think about fucking, we think about excercising, we think about death, we think about god, we think about atheism, we think about our past, we think about our future, we wish, we hope, we pray but we do little doing. Karl Marx once said that Philosophers spend their whole lives trying to understand the world, but the point is to change the world. Say what you want about Karl Marx and communism but that is one of the truest statments i haveever heard.

    14. Astronomy- The Universe teaches us that Time is irrelavant, that Space is irrelevant, and that even life is irrelevant. With all that being said i firmly believe that the only thing that isnt irrelevant is the belief in a higher power.

    15. General Knowledge- Fuck in detail. Lol

    Post Test Comments- This one a lot of fun but I think it is clear that we both had entirley too much time on our hands ha ha.

    Comment by Eric Brown — 05.22.09 @

  100. Aced IT!!!

    Comment by Peter — 05.23.09 @

  101. Excuse me…need some help here…I got to question #2; then drank the Scotch and while drunk, I may have mistakenly removed my lower colon….

    Comment by Gary of Oregon — 05.23.09 @

  102. So. Much. Win.

    Comment by Ryan — 05.23.09 @

  103. Lies. You got that off of Uncyclopedia’s IB page.

    Comment by Clarissa — 05.23.09 @

  104. Teacher, may I use HAAAAAAAAAAAAX?

    Comment by wauterboi — 05.23.09 @

  105. This made my day. Finals are coming up next week, and I love StumbleUpon for this. I am off to remove my appendix. Fare thee well!

    Comment by Corwin — 05.23.09 @

  106. Lol, I want this teacher someday in college. I swear I would try to do all of this in the four hours alloted.

    Comment by Josh — 05.23.09 @

  107. I had a great final in a 100 level computer class called “Hardware and Software Concepts.” The instructor was great, and it was more of a philosophy of why computers do what they do, and delved into the chip level.
    The final was take home, and we had four days. It was 100 multiple choice questions. The catch? The answers were from a pool of 2o sets of A,B,C,D. In other words, for each question you could have any one of 80 different answers. After he graded them, we got the chance to argue our case on contested answers, so I was able to go from a B to an A.

    Comment by oldestgenxer — 05.23.09 @

  108. Well, I was certainly amused. :D Thanks for putting this up!

    Comment by Nonya — 05.23.09 @

  109. I’m stuck on #2. The inspector won’t show up to judge my removal, andI’ve run out fo booze. I feelwoozzzzzzy.

    Comment by Hannah — 05.23.09 @

  110. Bravo

    Comment by Matt — 05.23.09 @

  111. The answer to #15, which of course makes it the answer to numbers 1 through 14, is 42.

    Your welcome

    Comment by Ed Magowan — 05.23.09 @

  112. lmfao.
    i like it.

    Comment by kerriiii — 05.23.09 @

  113. hahaha this makes me sick just to think about having to answer some of these.

    Comment by Alec — 05.23.09 @

  114. Yikes- this class is tough.

    Comment by james savik — 05.23.09 @

  115. Is the test pass/fail or will I receive a letter grade?

    Comment by Dave — 05.23.09 @

  116. i lold

    Comment by merajj — 05.23.09 @

  117. 16. Greek Mythology
    Kill your father then unknowingly sleep with your mother.

    Comment by Rex — 05.23.09 @

  118. Simply wonderful! Every question is quite exquisitely written. I would not be surprised if many people missed the humor intended here. Especially since I found this through Stumbleupon. most Su subscribers look for instant entertainment, not the kind requiring much thought. Bravo!

    Comment by Anonymous — 05.23.09 @

  119. Cool ;)

    Comment by Krishna — 05.23.09 @

  120. #1 is answerable by anyone who astutely listens to the programs on the history related channels. Actually I would like to do a dissertation on that.

    #11 is also answerable. Ponitus Pilot famously said, “What is truth?” The truth of everything from parallel universes to history as recorded by the victors, and that new truths are never accepted by the generation that espoused the old truths, all make this a very good question that would reveal the extent of the intellectual imagination of the student.

    #7 could be slightly rephrased to be the end of the world economic system as we know it, which as a foreign correspondent I actually observed on the scale of countries and we almost saw on a worldwide scale last fall.

    Comment by Dr. D'Lynn Waldron — 05.23.09 @

  121. I just have four hours. Let me get to starting World War III first up. The remaining questions I’ll tackle after I get the war started.

    Life can be like a war zone.

    THE PHENOMENON CALLED LIFE THROUGH MY COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES … http://lifeshortstory.wordpress.com/2009/03/29/pushing-the-papers/

    Comment by Murtaza. Soni — 05.23.09 @

  122. What kind of class is this? Sounds like it’s horrific (haha).

    Comment by jules — 05.23.09 @

  123. That’s ridiculous. WHo could possible do all of that in 4 hours?

    Comment by Jorge F — 05.23.09 @

  124. #8 The Engineering is by far the simplest.
    I discovered years ago on a bet from a bodyguard that an engineer with no gun related experience (me) can assemble a high powered rifle without instructions. If I then seriously wound the invigilator and leave him for the Tiger that’s perfectly reasonable. After all. Aren’t Bengal Tigers on the Endangered Species list while irrational academics are not?

    Comment by Forge — 05.23.09 @

  125. I can’t find a link to the answers.

    Comment by Zane — 05.23.09 @

  126. I passed.

    Comment by Chris — 05.23.09 @

  127. This is great. I love your sense of humor.

    Comment by Antoinette — 05.23.09 @

  128. hahahahahaha!!!! piano under my desk.

    Comment by Zhiliolia — 05.23.09 @

  129. only chuck norris could pass this test, and even he would only get a 51.

    Comment by alex — 05.23.09 @

  130. omg. hilarious.
    good job.

    Comment by heather — 05.23.09 @

  131. I wish my tests were this easy.

    Comment by James — 05.23.09 @

  132. LOL love it

    Comment by vanessa — 05.23.09 @

  133. Very Funny!

    Comment by Patrick B — 05.23.09 @

  134. awesome..!!love this…absolutely love this..!!

    Comment by sukumar pant — 05.23.09 @

  135. You lost me on the papacy thing… :\ that’s borings.

    :) But seems like a nice exercise.

    Comment by José — 05.23.09 @

  136. Not today.

    Comment by Fétido — 05.23.09 @

  137. Computer Science:

    Write a program that can automatically write an improved version of itself. Your code should be written using a magnetised needle and a steady hand.

    Comment by Isaac — 05.24.09 @

  138. lol @ 101…

    Comment by jimmyjones — 05.24.09 @

  139. Can we make this an open book test?

    Comment by samborino — 05.24.09 @

  140. I will take your silly little test but first…..bring me 2 equal slices of PI…and a shrubbery!!

    Comment by Locozuna — 05.24.09 @

  141. Too bad, this is an extremely easy test. It says answer but not give the correct answer. For that reason you automatically pass as long as you say anything. Also most test say correct answer for that reason.

    In the case that you think that is poor reasoning I have used that logic to ace a history test where all I did was answer in various spanish phrases(that made no sense mind you, more like spanglish). I also got a passing grade on a paper for a class(critieria was very lax and did not include that content needed to be relevant) where all I did was hand in a stupid story I wrote in my free time about an evil tour guide.

    Comment by Matt — 05.24.09 @

  142. COOKING

    Create a 50 dish banquet for a group of rich Chinese executives. Do not use rice. You may not use any ingredient in more than one dish. You have provided with a flint, tinder and five small logs with which to cook your meal. You may not ignite the classroom floor.

    Comment by Tristan Wemm — 05.24.09 @

  143. Eh, made a mistake.

    COOKING

    Create a 50 dish banquet for a group of 20 rich Chinese executives. Do not use rice. You may not use any ingredient in more than one dish. You have been provided with a flint, tinder and five small logs with which to cook your meal. You may not ignite the classroom floor.

    Comment by Tristan Wemm — 05.24.09 @

  144. Well, at least that bottle of scotch will accompany me ’till the aborigines come and send me packing to kingdom come.

    Comment by pastadude — 05.24.09 @

  145. Another question

    Define God. Give three examples

    Ian

    Comment by Ian — 05.24.09 @

  146. This is like some IB tests I’ve seen.

    Comment by Smily — 05.24.09 @

  147. You know… I’m actually thinking about how long it will take before school children will actually be able to feasibly and reasonably answer a lot of these questions. I hope it isn’t long. :)

    Comment by Jayke — 05.24.09 @

  148. I think I should have removed my appendix last…..

    Comment by Ralph — 05.24.09 @

  149. I first saw this on the Dartmouth Time Sharing System in 1977. Incredible longevity.

    Comment by Carsonf — 05.24.09 @

  150. FunFunFun!– HEY! Where is everyone? – Oh.
    F—ing black holes…

    Comment by CeCe — 05.24.09 @

  151. 10. Call Osama and KJI. Tell them where Russia’s nuclear reserves are. Provide the pass-code to the vault under the condition that they incinerate DC and incite China and the UK as their financial backers. Go
    Social and political effects: Nuclear Holocaust

    Comment by Scott Gillespie — 05.24.09 @

  152. That test is unreasonably difficult.

    Comment by Tim — 05.24.09 @

  153. I’m stuck on #2. Feeling a little light headed…

    Comment by Chris — 05.24.09 @

  154. In the event that you’re appendix has already been removed prior to this test, perform necessary operations to save the life of a neighbouring student who has failed to remove their appendix.

    Comment by Donovan — 05.24.09 @

  155. its probably a bad thing that i can fully answer #1 lol. and i could answer most of the social science ones pretty effectively as well.

    Comment by robb — 05.24.09 @

  156. hmmm. some of the most thought provoking questions, sends you into a cerebral delirium. great stuff

    Comment by jaydev — 05.25.09 @

  157. Back in the 60’s we would drop acid, smoke a joint and do this test in half an hour. Faster if we had cookies on site.
    Pondering Infinity would take much longer.

    Comment by BF Deal — 05.25.09 @

  158. I once had a professor that told me to always skip question 2 on an essay test and come back to it once I finished all of the other questions so that I can give it whatever time I have left. He said, “Question 2 is always in there to throw you off, so always do it last — don’t even read it until you are finished with everything else.” I have had good luck with this advice so far, so I will continue to follow it.

    For the answers to questions 1 and 3-15 see the appendix.

    Okay, now for question 2. I still have 15 minutes left, but I want to save some time for printing everything out — just the appendix itself is 4,573 pages long — so I better hurry on question 2. Let’s see what it says. Wow !!! Remove my appendix !!???!!! Since I haven’t even printed it yet, I won’t need the razor or the Scotch tape… Select…. Delete… Done. Boy I hate to see all that hard work go down the drain, but I am just following instructions. I should get an A on this exam — I didn’t miss a single question !!!

    Comment by John Malone — 05.26.09 @

  159. bloody brilliant!

    Comment by sonora — 05.28.09 @

  160. if you are injured in thinking into these issues, look to Jesus. It will feel better soon. . . don’t you worry.

    Comment by luke — 05.28.09 @

  161. for all you guys saying how technically they didn’t say there was any ammunition in number 8 consider this. they also didn’t say that the door was locked. to me this means that you can just walk right out and avoid the trouble of assembling the rifle.

    Comment by steve — 05.29.09 @

  162. Just came back from Egypt. It appears Ramesses II (their spelling) didn’t have any frustrations, perhaps except for Nefertari!

    Otherwise, great test!

    Comment by Rocco — 05.29.09 @

  163. 1. A long time ago, a bunch of holy men were sitting in a room. The guy with the biggest hat was declared Pope. Repeat.
    2. Done. Feeling a bit woozy.
    3. Done. The aborigines are leaving. I am now part of the tribe, and I think i am married to the chief’s daughter.
    4. Just impregnated my new aboriginal wife. Answer to be completed in nine months.
    5. I will now perform “Concerto in B minor”, with a primitive, interpretative dance performed by my wife for extra credit.
    6. Don’t care. Pass.
    7. Since this would involve the end of the world, which I must personally bring about to properly evaluate, I will save this question for last.
    8. I construct the rifle and shoot the Bengal tiger as he comes in for the kill. Justification: I must protect my new wife and unborn child. I no more need to justify shooting the tiger than I need to justify the fact that I am now cooking tiger steaks for me and the missus. Since there is no phone in this classroom, ordering a pizza is out.
    9. A Plan for refinancing the national debt? Hmmm. Not enough money? Make more. Still lots of trees out there. No effect on the aforementioned areas.
    10. The pre-cursor to #7. I’ll get back to you.
    11. For. Successfully proven as the best of all policies.
    12. The black hole sucked away my pregnant wife, and the Seaborgium before I could evaluate the opto-electric effects on its properties. Too devastated to re-try.
    13. Development of human thought: Fire good! (…fast forward millions of years…) Fire is excellent for keeping people warm, and for cooking food. But central heating and stoves are much better.
    14. Universe (n): Everything. Examples: 1) The tree in my yard. 2) Me. 3) My copy of the 2-disc special edition of The Dark Knight.
    15. General (n): a General is the highest Officer rank in the U.S. military. Just above Lieutenant General. He’s the guy who tells other guys where to go and who to kill when they get there. Then he pours a glass of bourbon and lights a fat cigar.
    I would start WWIII now (#10) but that would likely lead to #7 (end of the world). Since everybody would be dead, including myself, I would not be able to turn this test into anyone, that makes both questions completely redundant. Aside from that, I don’t want the world to end; I got tickets for Conan O’Brien in June.

    Comment by Geoffrey Foster — 05.30.09 @

  164. Presuming this is a test in the states (semester as a clue) what do you do when you when you have a difficult exam ? Judging by the questions this must be an entry test for university I presume?

    Comment by slef — 05.31.09 @

  165. drop lysergic and you will be amazed at how easy this test is

    Comment by answer to all — 06.1.09 @

  166. to be or not to be?

    tis is the only question

    Comment by marvin nubwaxer — 06.1.09 @

  167. This was published in The Big Book of New American Humor, http://www.amazon.com/Big-Book-New-American-Humor/dp/0060965517

    Comment by Russell — 06.1.09 @

  168. K. Done what am I going to do with the remaining 3 hours and 45 minutes :-P

    Comment by Mike — 06.2.09 @

  169. Kip was definitely high when he wrote that response

    Comment by renegade — 06.2.09 @

  170. This test has been around for more than 30 years. You also forgot the bonus question.
    Describe the universe, give 3 examples.

    Comment by Susan — 06.2.09 @

  171. What am I going to do with the other three hours?

    Comment by Michael — 06.2.09 @

  172. Kansas State Board of Education Answers

    1. God did it
    2. God did it
    3. God did it
    4. …

    Comment by Peter — 06.2.09 @

  173. I’m disappointed that the visual arts aren’t represented on the test.

    Comment by Miranda — 06.2.09 @

  174. Wow reminds me to pay my college loan’s but good thing I invested in all this knowledge and now everything is done for free unless you are a nurse for all the old people.

    Comment by random lurker — 06.3.09 @

  175. Can I phone a friend?

    Comment by WhoWantsToBe... — 06.4.09 @

  176. The answer is 42.

    Comment by Jordan — 06.10.09 @

  177. I’m stuck on number four. It’s getting very cold and I’m very tired and dizzy. I can see my appendix though.

    Comment by Jeremy Dean — 06.12.09 @

  178. Nice to see this still survives.
    It might be worthy to credit this as a long-going pass-around.

    I first read (most of) this in 1971; it crossed my path again in 1976,
    labeled as ‘certification test for systems programmer’.

    Like Halley’s Comet, due to resurface periodically, with just as much flair.

    Comment by ulysses94 — 06.13.09 @

  179. Jrhii, nice Hitchhiker reference.

    Comment by Terry — 06.19.09 @

  180. I thought it looked hard, then I realised that every single question was copied almost straight over from the coursework.

    Comment by Jon — 07.10.09 @

  181. 420. kill me at burning man

    Comment by DOC EVIL — 07.20.09 @

  182. Four hours is just not enough time!!!!

    Comment by George — 07.20.09 @

  183. This is all easy stuff except for the black hole and removing your appendix. It would take at least twenty minutes to remove an appendix, so it is a trick question. Also, you cannot clean up a black hole without creating a bigger mess, so this is a trick question too. The rest is child’s play.

    Bonus points for spotting the trick questions. I get A+

    Comment by jk — 07.20.09 @

  184. And the ansver to them all is 7.

    Comment by Guðni þór Guðmundsson — 07.20.09 @

  185. ehhh…. i ran out of scotch, botched the operation and am to durnk to stits myself up. Hel

    Comment by Hinrik — 07.20.09 @

  186. Will this be graded on a curve?

    Comment by Sally — 07.21.09 @

  187. What, no computer science question?

    Comment by Rowengauntt — 07.27.09 @

  188. Done.

    Comment by Tony — 08.2.09 @

  189. Bengali tiger ate my paper :(

    Comment by obsteve — 08.5.09 @

  190. I’m assuming this is just for a pass right? A little cushy if this is for full credit.

    :)

    Comment by Jon — 08.9.09 @

  191. Hi,

    Just found your blog on Technorati & Digg upcomming news feeds and read a few of your other posts.
    ISeems good contents,Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.

    Thanks,
    Michael

    Comment by Psychic Hotlines — 08.11.09 @

  192. If it takes a man a week to walk a fortnight, how long will it take two fleas to eat through a sliced unbuttered loaf of bread?
    Nice one man. I almost took it seriously! (but clean your English grammar up).

    Comment by The Baldchemist — 08.16.09 @

  193. um… I did these in order… but number 2 went horribly, horribly wrong. I confused my apendix for my spleen and… um… is there, like, a high school nurse around or something?

    Comment by Beren — 08.20.09 @

  194. 30 mins. done. B)

    Comment by ChelseaCannibal — 09.12.09 @

  195. Answer all parts to each problem? Okay. My answer to them is “no.”

    Comment by Tyler Marquardt — 09.16.09 @

  196. umm…there’s a keyboard on TOP of my desk…but i don’t think i could write AND perform a piano concerto in four hours. perhaps if it was purely contemporary…then yes. but i prefer baroque, and that requires structure. and time.

    Comment by Archre — 10.23.09 @

  197. This is so confusing. woooooow lol

    Comment by 1800 Postcards — 11.13.09 @

  198. This is truly an ultimate test. I don’t think that 4 hours is realistic enough. Seems interesting though.

    Comment by Estate Taxes — 11.16.09 @

  199. 11. Epistemology:
    If my next sentence is a lie, you may strangle me to death, whereas if it is the truth, you may kill me by stabbing me. You will strangle me to death. Decide for yourself!

    Comment by I'm so good — 11.30.09 @

  200. HAHAHA….. great. though really i think i read somewhere up there that we should just print money for 7. very wrong…… inflation- need i say more?

    Comment by gm — 01.21.10 @

  201. “I’m so good”— It’s a lie! And I’m coming to shoot you for being a smart-ass!

    Comment by kre8tr — 02.1.10 @

  202. 4 hours?!!!!! I could do that in 1!!!!!LOL

    Comment by a — 02.24.10 @

  203. The tigger ate my appendix, do I still get full marks?

    Comment by Anonymous — 02.27.10 @

  204. Yeah, we essentially go through this, daily, in architecture studio. No biggie…

    Comment by Alex of Troy — 03.16.10 @

  205. My favorite answer to the engineering question went:

    Call management into the room. Berate them loudly for seven minutes, then storm out, leaving bewildered management to deal with the gun and the tiger. After all, if management had been on the ball, the gun would have been assembled, the instructions translated, and the tiger fed.

    Comment by Jeremy — 04.25.10 @

  206. In answer to #8:

    include lib_gun_disassembled
    include lib_killer_tiger
    include lib_badass_engineer

    IF (manual_has_pictures = TRUE) AND (gun_is_easy_to_assemble = TRUE)
    THEN assemble_gun
    WAIT (10 min for tiger)
    FIRE gun_assembled
    IF (bullet_kills_tiger = TRUE)
    EXECUTE tiger
    THEN JUMPTO END PROGRAM
    ELSEIF JUMPTO SUB_ROUTINE_ONE

    ELSEIF (gun_is_easy_to_assemble = FALSE) AND (round_issued_with_gun = TRUE)
    THEN (wedge firing pin on rear wall) AND (insert round in disassembled barrel)
    WAIT 10min for tiger
    SLAM barrel back against firing pin while barrel is pointed at tiger
    IF (bullet_kills_tiger = TRUE)
    EXECUTE tiger
    THEN JUMPTO END PROGRAM
    ELSEIF JUMPTO SUB_ROUTINE_ONE

    IF (round_issued_with_gun = FALSE)
    JUMPTO SUB_ROUTINE_ONE

    SUB_ROUTINE_ONE:
    FOR (X=1; X<=100000000; X++)
    {
    BEAT head_of_tiger WITH barrel_of_gun
    }
    EXECUTE tiger
    JUMPTO END PROGRAM

    END PROGRAM

    Comment by Chris W. — 04.25.10 @

  207. They always give too much time for these kinds of test don’t they?

    Comment by Omni — 04.26.10 @

  208. Its an especially difficult test since after question 2 you’re smashed drunk from the bottle of scotch you drank to remove your appendix.

    Comment by Dcofosho — 05.1.10 @

  209. I can do it in 3:35. Anyone?

    Comment by TheRealRandini — 05.1.10 @

  210. i hope everyone who takes this realizes that they need to do #2 last or else they’ll be too damn drunk to complete the rest of the test… but maybe if you do that one first, the rest of the test won’t seem as bad.

    Comment by aerica — 05.11.10 @

  211. 8. Put the gun together, force classmates to kill Tiger by pointing it at them. The end.

    Comment by Johnnycaww — 05.11.10 @

  212. who will be grading my test?

    Comment by Jasmine Winchester — 05.11.10 @

  213. Oh come on, this will take me FIVE hours at least!!
    XD

    Comment by Meabh96 — 05.11.10 @

  214. we did in fact have that epistemology question for our finals.

    Comment by joel nacario — 05.16.10 @

  215. This is funny has hell i havent laughed this hard in ages !!!

    Comment by Ryan — 05.17.10 @

  216. I remember this and had mislaid my old, beat-up copy. Thank you!

    Comment by OtterB — 05.21.10 @

  217. 4 hours is a joke, i could do this in 40min

    Comment by Hernando — 06.9.10 @

  218. So will I fail the class if I don’t pass this test? any extra credit points?

    Comment by tv — 06.18.10 @

  219. Regarding the item 11. Epistemology Question. Very simple. Any evil genius knows this way of people wriggling out of their well deserved execution. As both punishments are equally valid, the only response is to place a noose around your neck (avoiding the hangman’s method to allow immediate neck breakage and death) before dropping you into a pit full of sharpened stakes, at a height enough to induce severe blood loss but not immediate death, thus giving both strangulation from the noose and bleeding out from stabbing spikes an equal chance of occurring. Death is assured and agonizing. As for your next sentence, does it really matter at this point ?

    Comment by Fred — 01.27.11 @

  220. For #8, I would simply utilize the engineering marvel of a locking mechanism and LOCK THE DOOR!

    Comment by ViperTim — 01.29.11 @

  221. The only question that matters is number 8 and the answer is LEAVE THE ROOM BEFORE THE TIGER IS ADMITTED. Congratulations you are justified in not taking the exam.

    Comment by Zach — 02.18.11 @

  222. Number 11 was answered definitively over 40 years ago by Allan Sherman. I copy it here for the benefit of others.

    From: Allan Sherman – “The Rape of the Ape”

    Why Lies are better than the Truth
    (A scientific comparison test)

    I.Credibility

    All lies are designed to seem true. The expert liar carefully uses elements that seem probable and logical and are therefore easy to believe. On the other hand, the truth is often illogical, wildly improbably and hard to explain.

    Lies are more believable than the truth.

    II.Reliability

    The truth is spontaneous, accidental, and unpredictable. Lies, however, can be planned in detail long in advance and are thus guaranteed to turn out just as predicted.

    Lies are more dependable than the truth.

    III. Economy

    To be the truth, an account of a given event must be completely accurate. This requires painstaking resourcefulness, expensive research, time-consuming attention to detail, complex logistics and thoroughness. In spite of all that, some people will believe it and others will not. A lie will produce identical results without all the fuss and bother.

    Lies are simpler than the truth; lies cost less than truth in time, money and effort.

    IV.Value

    The truth can be found anywhere; it belongs to anybody who finds it, absolutely free. Lies are custom-made, often by experts, and the best ones are highly polished works of art.

    Lies are worth more money than truth. Have you ever heard of anybody bribing a witness to tell the truth?

    V.Respectability

    A. Great fortunes have been made by selling lies to the public. The people who sell these lies are often grateful to the gullible consumers, so they endow libraries and universities and cultural centers.
    B. Nobody ever made a fortune selling the truth. First of all, as already stated, the truth is free. The only people who will pay money for the truth are people who are being blackmailed — and they are only buying the truth so they can hide it before anybody else sees it.

    Lies lead to libraries and universities, while the truth leads to blackmail.

    VI.Stability

    A. Take one thousand parts truth, add one part lie. Result: a lie.
    B. Take one thousand parts lie, ad one part truth. Result: a lie.
    C. Note that you can make a lie out of the truth, but you can’t make the truth out of a lie.

    Lies are stronger and last longer than the truth.

    VII. Imagination

    In reporting the truth, a person must research the precise facts and stick to them exactly as they occurred. The liar can report the same incident without doing any research, merely saying whatever comes to his mind and filing “details” according to his fancy.

    Lies are more creative than truth.

    VIII. Recognizability

    People are accustomed to hearing lies all the time. If you tell the truth, people will think you are lying. If you convince then you are telling the truth, they will become suspicious. Why is he suddenly telling the truth? What’s going on?

    IX.Supply and Demand

    A. In describing any given incident, only one version can possibly be the truth, whereas the number of lies possible is unlimited. Obviously lies are in far greater supply than truth.
    B. There is a great demand for lies, if they are flattering, if they build up one’s hopes, if they help one escape reality, or if they promise health, wealth, power, or potency. Nobody is very anxious to hear the truth. The only people who demand the truth are those who are investigating something (lawyers, etc.) — and they only want the truth to prove somebody is lying.

    Lies are the acceptable medium of exchange in our society. They are in good supply and the demand for them remains strong. The truth is in extremely short supply, but even this tiny supply far exceeds the demand. Thus, in our society, truth occupies a position identical to that of dinosaur shit.

    Conclusions

    Lies are superior to truth in numerous ways. Lies are more ingenious; lies make the world seem more pleasant; lies are less embarrassing than truth, and less frightening. Furthermore, in fields such as diplomacy, statesmanship, merchandising, public relations, and bookkeeping, the truth is an out-and-out handicap. In friendship, truth is harmful; in love, it is a disaster.

    My prediction is that the truth will be phased out of our society, almost unnoticed, in less than a generation. It will become a curio like the two-dollar bill. Probably there will be museums where samples of the truth will be displayed for the benefit of curious children who want to know what it was like. One can only hope that the curators of these truth museums will have the good taste not to the fake the exhibits.

    The truth is that the truth has become old-fashioned. It’s full of odd-shaped little nooks and crannies, like so many old-fashioned things; some people find them fascinating, but most people find them a pain in the neck. For those who care, it is a wonderful feeling to hold in your possession, to keep it and cherish it, never to misuse it, then to pass it along freely to anyone who wants it, giving it to them undamaged, unpainted, unadded to and unsubtracted from and every bit as glowingly alive as ever. To find all those joys in the handling of the truth is a labor of love, but most of us in today’ society have no time for such things.

    Comment by Paul Eggers — 02.25.11 @

  223. Quickly remove your appendix and saturate it with scotch. When the tiger is released, throw your appendix to it and attempt to survive until it collapses from alcohol poisoning. Disassemble the tiger and use it’s teeth and sinews/muscle fibers to sutture your incision. You have now completed two questions and have the greater part of a Bengal tiger to use for extraneous materials and/or inspiration.

    Comment by Joe — 02.25.11 @

  224. The answer to all of these is 42.

    Comment by L Jones — 03.6.11 @

  225. Got through the instructions okay.

    Had a bit of a hard time with number one, but think I nailed it.

    Was working on number two and hit a bleeder somewhere in there…anyway, I freaking passed out from the loss of blood and woke up in the emergency room at Providence Health Center…told the E.R. doc the story and he said to me, “Had you forgotten your appendix had already been removed when you were five years of age?”

    Damn, I forgot.

    -Jeeem-

    Comment by Jeeem — 03.11.11 @

  226. This site has got a lot of very helpful stuff on it. Thank you for informing me!

    Comment by dating sites — 03.25.11 @

  227. 11.
    For. I lied.

    Comment by Danny — 03.27.11 @

  228. That was easy. I was planning on studying all night before hand, but got distracted by my x-box. I got to my class totality freaking out because I slept in that morning and forgot my phone on my bed. I got the test a realized it was super easy. Did it in one and a half hours, looked around and saw nobody else was done and that some-one died… that made me rethink my Medical portion of the exam so I went in for the second time to check if i got the right organ. I did and i felt kind-of stupid for thinking I had to double check. By then i still had two hours left. I didn’t want to look like I was some super nerd or something, and I forgot were I was suppose to hand in the written parts. I then decided to make some rugs out of the tigers that were laying around, and that got me thinking that all this meat shouldn’t go to waste so i deconstructed my gun and made it into a stove. I was having a grand time until my instructor gave me a dirty look, so i spent about thirty minutes of the time staring into space. I then decided to play some paper football with the aborigines that came in earlier and then told them this one kid(that I hate) said that they didn’t know anything about hunting Koala bears. I decided that my general knowledge was a little vague and ended up writing a 10293 page book on it, still had an hour or so left so i just spent the rest of the time making as many different guns as i could(67, ranging from bolt, auto, semi-auto, and revolvers). When i just had fifteen minutes, still nobody turned it in and only one other person was still even alive, so decided to hand it in were I thought it was suppose to go. And left. Got a 90 percent, apparently i missed spelled a word in my general knowledge portion.

    Comment by Garrison — 03.27.11 @

  229. Hmmm, once again media students aren’t represented. *sigh* Screw it! We hold the key to your public representation… Ima represent you as a jerk

    Comment by Tim — 04.7.11 @

  230. Is it wrong that I actually want to try to answer some of these questions? They sound like fun…

    Comment by Andrew — 06.29.11 @

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

Powered by WordPress