#### There once was a mathematician named *x*…

Mathematics: of sciences, queen

Has more rules than I’ve ever seen.

There are no exceptions,

Just number deceptions.

On calculators, I am quite keen.

A mathematician confided

That the Moebius band is one-sided

And you’ll get quite a laugh

If you cut one in half

‘Cause it stays in one piece when divided.

A mathematician named Klein

Thought the Moebius band was divine

Said he: “If you glue

The edges of two

You’ll get a weird bottle like mine.”

A go-go lap dancer, a pip,

Was able to peel in a zip.

But she read science fiction

And died of constriction

Attempting a Moebius strip.

The Moebius strip is a pain,

When you cut it again and again,

But if you should wedge

A large disk round the edge

Then you just get a projective plane.

If you have a cross-cap on your sphere,

And you give it a circle-shaped tear,

Then just shake it about

And untangle it out

And a Moebius strip will appear!

A mathematician named Crottle

Poured water into a Klein bottle.

When asked, “Do you doubt

That some will run out?”

He replied, “No, I don’t. Quite a lot’ll.”

There was young maiden named List

Whose mouth had a funny half-twist.

She’d turned both her lips

Into Moebius strips…

‘Til she’s kissed you, you haven’t been kissed!

There was a young fellow named Fisk,

A swordsman, exceedingly brisk.

So fast was his action,

The Lorentz contraction

Reduced his rapier to a disc.

A conjecture both deep and profound

Is whether the circle is round;

In a paper by Erdos,

written in Kurdish,

A counterexample is found.

A challenge for many long ages

Had baffled the savants and sages.

Yet at last came the light:

Seems old Fermat was right–

To the margin add 200 pages.

A calc student upset as could be

That his antiderivative didn’t agree

With the one in the book

E’en aft one more look.

Oh! Seems he forgot to write the “+ C”.

A graduate student from Trinity

Computed the cube of infinity;

But it gave him the fidgets

To write down all those digits,

So he dropped math and took up divinity.

A mathematician called Bird,

Had students who thought him absurd.

There were cries of derision

When he said long division,

Meant one into one made a third.

A mathematician called Rumbold,

One day, quite by accident, stumbled

On the Meaning of Life,

Then went on, for his wife,

To find out why all her apple pies crumbled.

To a tightrope walker named Zekund

The a due to gravity beckoned.

His performance was great

At about 9.8

Meters per second per second.

Consider the pitiful plight

Of a runner who wasn’t too bright.

For he sprinted so fast,

That he vanished at last

By red-shifting himself out of sight.

In the near-light speed space-ship I’m in,

I went rocketting off from my twin;

But since I’ve been away

I’ve aged hardly a day

And just look at the state that he’s in!

There’s a leather-clad separatrix,

a vector-valued dominatrix

who divides a phase plane

into pleasure and pain

when she gets hold of more than one matrix. [CG]

Jack the mathematician

Had a very strange mission.

The problems he wrote,

He often would gloate,

Sen many a student a-wishin.’ [DG]

There once was a prof, Dr. K.,

Who taught calculus everyday.

From dawn until noon,

Integrating to the moon.

To him, derivatives were okay.

There was a prof named Kowalski

Who taught all this calculus to me.

On the final — no pass;

I must retake the class.

Why, we should all be so lucky. [ES]

Despite all the might fine teachin,’

I can’t help but find myself thinkin’

That Calculus I

Will be much more fun

The second time o’takin’. [MB]

Along cam Sir Isaac Newton

Doin’ mathematical computin’.

One day he contrived

To anti-derive

When findin’ signed areas is suitin’.

#### References

[CG] by Courtney Gibbons (of Brown Sharpie fame!).

[DG] by Dillon Glover.

[ES] by Eric Seifert.

[MB] by Matt Begeman.