Let ε < 0.

09.13.09

Mathematical limericks, vol. 5

Filed under: CS silliness, Harmonic analysis — Travis @

Computer science contributions

There once was a user named Fred,
Who one day used grep, awk, and sed.
He parsed a huge text stream,
Used regexps to the extreme,
Now his file’s tail is its head.

function createLimmerick(){
var scanning=terriblySlick;
if(lines==5)
&&rhyme=="live"
do(laugh(); performNewTrick();)}

09.2.09

Error message haiku

Filed under: CS silliness, Harmonic analysis — Travis @

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity — the essence of Zen:

    A crash reduces
    Your expensive computer
    To a simple stone.

    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.

    First snow, then silence.
    This thousand-dollar screen dies
    So beautifully.

    Having been erased,
    The document you're seeking
    Must now be retyped.

    Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.

    Program aborting:
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask far too much.

    Serious error.
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

    Stay the patient course.
    Of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down.

    The Tao that is seen
    Is not the true Tao -- until
    You bring fresh toner.

    The Website you seek
    Cannot be located, but
    Countless more exist.

    Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.

    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.

    With searching comes loss
    And the presence of absence:
    Your file, not found.

    Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.

    You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.

    Your file was so big.
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.

This was sent to me by Laura “RuneMercury” H.

05.27.09

Cheers!

Filed under: CS silliness, Harmonic analysis — Travis @

Mathematicians’ cheer

e to the x dx,
e to the y dy,
Sine x, cosine x,
Natural log of y,
Derivative on the left
Derivative on the right
Integrate, integrate,
Fight! Fight! Fight!

e to the x dx dy
Radical transcendental pi
Secant cosine tangent sine
3.14159
2.71828
Come on folks let’s integrate!

e to the i dx dy
e to one over y dy
Cosine secant log of pi
Disintegrate ‘em RPI !!!

Square root, tangent
Hyperbolic sine,
3.14159
e to the x dy dx
Sliderule, slipstick,
TECH TECH TECH!

Programmers’ cheer

Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

03.31.09

Microsoft to buy God

Filed under: CS silliness — Travis @

Originally posted on CyberCheeze.com.

MICROSOFT TO BUY GOD

REDMOND, WA Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God Himself. The new product would be named, predictably enough, “Microsoft God,” and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998, well before the millennium.

“Too many people feel separated from God in today’s world,” said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft’s new Religions division. “Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.”

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

  • Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshiper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
  • Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.
  • Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshipers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.
  • Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshipers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the user’s system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user’s Microsoft God server. Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshipers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version. This line is expected to include Microsoft Protestant, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

Competitor Netscape Communications denies rumors that it is planning to release a competing product, Netscape Satan, that would attempt to render Microsoft God installations inoperable.

03.30.09

Letters from computer camp

Filed under: CS silliness — Travis @

Dear Mr. Johnson:

Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.

We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire — you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself.

These are some of my little Billy’s letters:

Letter 1

Dear Mom,

The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Billy.

Letter 2

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class.

Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s spell checked too.

Letter 3

Dear Mom,

Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t have much of a tan cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay, really.

Love, Billy.

Letter 4

Dear Mom,

I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Billy.

Letter 5

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.

Signed, William.

Letter 6

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.

Regards, William.

Letter 7

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, William.

What can I do, Mr. Johnson? See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my little boy. I know that it’s probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,
Concerned Parent

03.27.09

Genesis by Microsoft

Filed under: CS silliness — Travis @

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said:

C:\>Let there be light
Enter user id.
C:\>God
Enter password.
C:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
C:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
C:\>Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

C:\>Let there be light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:\>Create light
Done
C:\>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

C:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:\>Create firmament
Done.
C:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

C:\>Let the waters below the heavens be gathered into one
    place and let the dry land appear
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:\>Create dry_land
Done.
C:\>Run dry_land

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

C:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day
    from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
C:\>Run sun_moon_stars

And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

C:\>Create great creatures of the sea and every living and
    moving thing with which the water teems, according to
    their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create fish
Done
C:\>Create fowl
Done
C:\>Run fish, fowl

And so God created the fish and the fowl. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

C:\>Create wild animals according to their kinds, the
    livestock according to their kinds, and all the
    creatures that move along the ground according to
    their kinds
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create cattle
Done
C:\>Create creepy_things
Done
C:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create man
Done
C:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and
    subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea
    and over the fowl of the air and over every
    living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
>C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
C:\>Insert breath
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
C:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
C:\>Copy woman from man
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:\>Create desire
Done
C:\>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn.

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create freewill
Done
C:\>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn.

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn.

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create good, evil
Done
C:\>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95.
Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
C:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
C:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
C:\>Break
C:\>Break
C:\>Break
C:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space.
You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
C:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
C:\>Destroy earth confirmed

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
And at 12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8, God created Macintosh.

03.26.09

Etch-A-Sketch compliance

Filed under: Academic humor, CS silliness — Travis @

Memo:

The Mathematics Department has determined that, in order to cut operational costs, the Department no longer has any need for any computers in the classrooms.

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan 1, 2001. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. For those of you who had deprived childhoods, Etch-A-Sketches are those fun square like toys where you get to draw things in a sand like environment using little knobs.

Our dean has determined that the following action is being taken for the following reasons.

  1. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
  2. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
  3. No more games with “Boss” Buttons.
  4. No more need for network or software applications support.

Since we no longer will be having internal technical support, we are supplying you with the following guidelines for using your new equipment.

FAQ for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

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