Let ε < 0.

09.14.09

Mathematical limericks, vol. 6

Filed under: Dirty, Harmonic analysis — Travis @

Dirty limericks! Let the reader beware!

A mathematician called Able,
Made love to a young girl called Mabel,
They hadn’t a bed,
So made use instead
Of an old mathematical table.

A mathematician called Babbit
Put some quite simple sums to a rabbit.
The rabbit replied
“I must learn to divide,
With me multiplication’s a habit.”

A mathematician called Cross,
Fell in love with the wife of his boss.
The boss’s reaction,
Suggested subtraction,
He said, “Take her away, she’s no loss.”

A mathematician called Day,
Who was anxious to have it away,
Said the value of X
Turned his thinking to sex,
X times Y was the price he would pay.

A mathematician called Dewar
Whose maths were incredibly pure,
Clamped his penile device
In an engineer’s vice,
Then in microns he measured his skewer.

A mathematician called called Dick
Tried to measure the size of his prick.
But he was enraged
When he found that he gauged
It, not quite the short side of a brick.

A mathematician called Hall,
Had a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight,
Times his pecker, plus eight,
Was four fifths of five eighths of sod all.

A mathematician called Hill,
Had a wife who was not on the Pill.
Though he missed no occasion,
To try multiplication,
The product produced was just nil.

A mathematician called Hyde,
Took a busload of girls for a ride.
And in preparation,
For multiplication,
Each girl forced her legs to divide.

A mathematician named Joe,
Said “Really it just can’t be so;
“My wife, for her sins,
Is going to have twins,
And 2 into 1 doesn’t go!”

A mathematician called Plumb,
Was engrossed in a difficult sum,
And even in bed,
It stayed in his head
Till his wife said, “For God’s sake, Plumb, come.”

A mathematician called Power,
Calculated his lust in the shower,
But he was nonplussed
When the force of his thrust,
Stopped the water for over an hour.

A mathematician called Rubik,
Has a very strange area pubic.
His balls are both conical,
They look very comical,
With a penis described best as cubic.

A mathematician called Strong,
Got all his conclusions quite wrong.
His value for pi
Was put much too high,
As the average length of his dong.

A mathematician called Week,
Has geometry which is unique.
If A equals B
And B equals C,
ABC is his lower left cheek.

The mathematician Von Blecks
Derived the equation for sex.
He found a good fuck
Isn’t patience or luck
But a function of Y over X.

There once was a log named Lynn
Whose life was devoted to sin.
She came from a tree
Whose base was shaped like an e.
She’s the most natural log I’ve seen.

There once was a man from Rancine
Who invented a fucking machine.
Both concave and convex,
It could serve either sex,
But oh what a bastard to clean!1

There once was a mathematician
Who preferred an exotic position
‘Twas the joy of his life
To achieve with his wife
Topologically complex coition.

The was a young lady called Hatch
Who had a rectangular snatch.
So she practiced coition
With a mathematician,
Whose square root was just made to match.

1 was related to me by Greg B.

05.16.09

A stress analysis of a strapless evening gown

Filed under: Dirty, Science humor — Travis @

Effective as the strapless evening gown is in attracting attention, it presents tremendous engineering problems to the structual engineer. He is faced with the problem of designing a dress which appears as if it will fall at any moment and yet actyuall stays up some small factor of safety. Some of the problems faced by the engineer readily appear from the following structual analysis of strapless evening gowns.

If a small elemental strip of cloth from a strapless evening gown is isolated as a free body in the area of plane A in figure 1, it can be seen that the tangential force F is balanced by the equal and opposite tangential force F. The downward vertical force W (weight of the dress) is balanced by the force V acting vertically upward due to the stress in the cloth above plane A. Since the algebraic summation of vertical and horizontal forces is zero and no moments are acting, the elemental strip is in equilibrium.

Consider now an elemental strip of cloth isolated as a free body in the area of plane B of figure 1. The two tangible forces F1 and F2 are equal and opposite as before, but the force W (weight of the dress) is not balanced by an upward force V because there is no cloth above plane B to supply the force. Thus, the algebraic summation of horizontal forces is zero, but the sum of the vertical forces is not zero. Therefore, this elemental strip is not in equilibrium; but it is imperative, for social reasons, that this elemental strip be in equilibrium. If the female is naturally blessed with sufficient pectoral development, she can supply this very vital force and maintain the elemental strip at equilibrium. If she is not, the engineer has to supply this force by artificial methods.

In some instances, the engineer has made use of friction to supply this force. The friction force is expressed by F = f N, where F is the frictional force, f is the coefficient of friction, and N is the normal force acting perpendicularly to F. Since, for a given female and a given dress, f is constant, then to increase F, the normal force N must be increased. One obvious method of increasing the normal force is to make the diameter of the dress at c in figure 2 smaller than the diameter of the female at this point. This has, however, the disadvantage of causing the fibres along the line c to collapse, and, if too much force is applied, the wearer will experience discomfort.

As if the problem were not complex enough, some females require that the back of the gown be lowered to increase the exposure and correspondingly attract more attention. In this case, the horizontal forces F1 and F2 (figure 1) are no longer acting horizontally, but are replaced by forces T1 and T2 acting downward at an angle a. Therefore, there is a total downward force equal to the weight of the dress below B plus the vector summation of T1 and T2. This vector sum increases in magnitude as the back is lowered because R = 2 T sin(a), and the angle a increases as the back is lowered. Therefore, the vertical uplifting force which has to be supplied for equilibrium is increased for low-back gowns.

Since these evening gowns are worn to dances, an occasional horizontal force, shown in figure 2 as i, is accidentally delivered to the beam at the point c, causing impact loading, which compresses all the fibres of the beam. This compression tends to cancel the tension in the fibres between e and b, but it increases the compression between c and d. The critical area is a point d, as the fibres here are subject not only to compression due to moment and impact, but also to shear due to the force s; a combination of low, heavy dress with impact loading may bring the fibres at point d to the “danger point.”

There are several reasons why the properties discussed in this paper have never been determined. For one, there is a scarcity of these beams for experimental investigation. Many females have been asked to volunteer for experiments along these lines in the interest of science, but unfortunately, no cooperation was encountered. There is also the difficulty of the investigator having the strength of mind to ascertain purely scientific facts. Meanwhile, trial and error and shrewd guesses will have to be used by the engineer in the design of strapless evening gowns until thorough investigations can be made.

Condensed from A Stress Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown and other essays, ed. Robert A. Baker (Prentice-Hall) 1963.

01.23.09

Within epsilon

Filed under: Diff'rent strokes, Dirty — Travis @

A mathematician and a engineer agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, “You are to remain in your chair. Every ten seconds, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed.”

The mathematician looks at the psychologist in dismay. “What? I’m not going to go through this. I know I’ll never reach the bed!” And with that, he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the engineer in.

He explains the situation, and the engineer’s eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. “Don’t you realize that you’ll never reach her?”

The engineer smiles and replied, “Oh yeah… but in about two minutes, I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”

12.21.08

S.O.B.

Filed under: Dirty, Lower-division jokes — Travis @

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him saying:

“One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.
Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.
Three and three, the son-of-a-bitch is six…”

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The very next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what her son claimed she had taught him to swear while doing mathematics.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Johnny had said what he did. “All we did yesterday,” Mrs. Jones explained, “was basic addition:

One and one, the sum of which is two.
Two and two, the sum of which is four.
Three and three, the sum of which is six…”

11.16.08

The frog princess

Filed under: Dirty, Lower-division jokes — Travis @

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man smiled at the frog. “I’m a mathematics grad student. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool.”

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