Let ε < 0.

12.21.08

S.O.B.

Filed under: Dirty, Lower-division jokes — Travis @

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him saying:

“One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.
Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.
Three and three, the son-of-a-bitch is six…”

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The very next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what her son claimed she had taught him to swear while doing mathematics.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Johnny had said what he did. “All we did yesterday,” Mrs. Jones explained, “was basic addition:

One and one, the sum of which is two.
Two and two, the sum of which is four.
Three and three, the sum of which is six…”

12.18.08

Smooth operator

Filed under: Lower-division jokes, Walks into a bar — Travis @

A mathematician tries his had at picking up the pretty girl at the bar. After chatting her up a bit, she asks coyly “Just how old do you think I am?” “By your sparkling eyes, I’d guess 19. By your thin hips, I’d guess 21. By your effervecent smile, 22. Hence, if I sum these…”

12.17.08

Sine of the times

Filed under: Lower-division jokes, Puns — Travis @

A father is showing his young daughter how to work the calculator he bought her for school. He shows her some of the commands, and gives her the calculator. Then, as a test, he asks her, “Alright, what is the sine of 45?”

She looks at her pop. “Being over the hill?”

12.14.08

Pythagorean feghoot II

Filed under: Feghoots, Lower-division jokes — Travis @

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

12.13.08

Pythagorean feghoot I

Filed under: Feghoots, Lower-division jokes — Travis @

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was made.

Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe.

As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner.

The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said…

“The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”

12.6.08

The new bike

Filed under: Academic humor, Lower-division jokes — Travis @

A mathematics grduate student is walking across campus when his classmate rides up to him on a new bicycle. “Where did you get the bike from?” he asks.

“It’s a Thank you present from that freshman girl I’ve been tutoring,” he explains. “Yesterday she called me and told that she had passed her math final and wanted to drop by to thank me in person. She arrived at my place on her bicycle. When I had let her in, she took all her clothes off, smiled, and said to take anything I wanted!”

The math grad stares at him for a moment, and then replies, “Good choice. I doubt the clothes would’ve have fit.”

12.4.08

Late night

Filed under: Lower-division jokes, Puns — Travis @

A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife, quite naturally, became very upset. “You’re late!” she roarded at him. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“No, no, no… I’m right on time,” said the mathematician, looking at his watch. “I said I’d be home by a quarter of twelve.”

12.3.08

Love story

Filed under: Lower-division jokes — Travis @

Did you hear about the romance novel written by a famous mathematician? It starts off with:

The two lovers ran towards each other like two trains, one leaving Boston at 3:36 PM traveling at 42 miles per hour, and the other leaving Chicago at 4:18 PM traveling at 53 miles per hour…

12.2.08

Math saves lives

Filed under: Academic humor, Lower-division jokes — Travis @

A math professor was explaining a particularly complicated calculus concept to his class when a frustrated pre-med student interrupts him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the pre-med blurts out.

The professor pauses, and answers matter-of-factly: “Because math saves lives.”

“How?” demanded the student. “How on Earth does calculus save lives?”

“Because,” replied the professor, “it keeps certain people out of medical school.”

11.30.08

Number party

Filed under: Lower-division jokes, Puns, Walks into a bar — Travis @

All the numbers go to a party and numbers, being what they are, disperse by parity: all the evens hang around each other and all the odds do the same, with neither group interacting much with each other. As 34 was chatting with 72 he notices 0 standing awkwardly by himself in a dark corner. “Hey 72,” says 34, “That 0 guy is even; let’s invite him over to hand with the even guys.”

72 agrees, so off go the two numbers invite 0 into their little group.

“Hey 0,” askes 34, “why don’t you come an talk with me and 72 and 16 and 22 over here?”

0 sighs heavily and replies, “Sorry. I have nothing to add.”

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