I think I actually did this joke already!

## 04.26.09

## 12.18.08

### Smooth operator

A mathematician tries his had at picking up the pretty girl at the bar. After chatting her up a bit, she asks coyly “Just how old do you think I am?” “By your sparkling eyes, I’d guess 19. By your thin hips, I’d guess 21. By your effervecent smile, 22. Hence, if I sum these…”

## 12.1.08

### Function party

All the functions go to a party. After some drinks and music, the party is really going, with one exception: *e ^{x}* is standing awkwardly by himself in a dark corner. After a while sin(

*x*) notices this, and so he goes over to talk to his nonalgebraic buddy. “Hey

*e*,” says sin(

^{x}*x*), “why don’t you come out here and mingle.”

“Mingle?” asks *e ^{x}*, suprised.

“Yeah, mingle!” says sin(*x*). “You know, get out there and integrate yourself!”

*e ^{x}* sighs heavily and asks, “What’s the point?”

I heard a version of this joke from Courtney Gibbons.

## 11.30.08

### Number party

All the numbers go to a party and numbers, being what they are, disperse by parity: all the evens hang around each other and all the odds do the same, with neither group interacting much with each other. As 34 was chatting with 72 he notices 0 standing awkwardly by himself in a dark corner. “Hey 72,” says 34, “That 0 guy is even; let’s invite him over to hand with the even guys.”

72 agrees, so off go the two numbers invite 0 into their little group.

“Hey 0,” askes 34, “why don’t you come an talk with me and 72 and 16 and 22 over here?”

0 sighs heavily and replies, “Sorry. I have nothing to add.”

## 11.21.08

### Two mathematicians walk into a bar (variation)

Here is a clever variation on the classic Two mathematicians walk into a bar.

Two mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The second mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the first calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “‘*a*‘ squared plus ‘*b*‘ squared.”

She repeats: “A square plus a bee square?”

He repeats “*a* squared plus *b* squared.”

“Ay squared plus bee squared?”

“Yes, that’s right”, he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “Ay squared plus bee squared… Ay squared plus bee squared… Ay squared plus bee squared…”

The second guy returns and the first proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress a simple algebra question, and the second happily agrees.

The first man calls over the waitress and asks “What is (*a*+*b*)^{2}?”

The waitress says “Ay squared plus bee squared” and while walking away, turns back and adds with a wink “…assuming *a* and *b* are anticommutative.”

## 10.27.08

### A sub-atomic particle walks into a bar

Two atoms walk out of a bar. “Oh dear, I’ve left my electrons back in the bar.” “Are you sure?” “I’m positive.”

A neutron walks into a bar. “How much for a beer?” “For you? No charge.”

Two alpha particles and a gamma ray walk into a bar… magnet.

## 10.26.08

### A mathematical object walks into a bar

A sphere walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve spheres here.” The disgruntled sphere walks outside, but then gets an idea and performs Dahn surgery upon himself. He walks into the bar, and the bartender, who does not recognize him but thinks he looks familiar (or at least locally similar) and asks, “Aren’t you that sphere that just came in here?” “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

A definite integral walks and orders 10 shots of whiskey. “You sure about that, buddy?” “Yeah, I know my limits.” [CG]

A bar walks into a commutative algebraist.

sin(x) walks into a bar and asks for drink. The barman declines: “We don’t cater for functions.”

Two polynomials walk into a bar. The bartender, a derivative, asks them “Can I take you order?” The polynomials run out screaming “Help! The bartender threatened to kill me!”

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Hey you, get outta here! We don’t want your type in here.”

An initial condition walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

The definite integral joke is modified from a gag told by Courtney Gibbons, of Brown Sharpie fame (and a former student!).

## 10.25.08

### More mathematicians walk into a bar

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender approaches him and askes, “Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?” Descartes replies “I think not,” and promptly vanishes.

Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You’d think the third one would have ducked.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, “You’re all assholes,” and pours two beers.

A dyslexic mathematician walks into a bra.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer walk into a bar. The barman looks at the three and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

The infinitely-manied version was told to me by Tyler Ernest.

## 10.24.08

### Two mathematicians walk into a bar

Two mathematicians walk into in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “one third *x* cubed.”

She repeats: “one thir — dex cue?”

He repeats “one third *x* cubed.”

“One thir dex cuebd?”

“Yes, that’s right”, he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “one thir dex cuebd… one thir dex cuebd… one thir dex cuebd…”

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks “What is the integral of *x* squared?”

The waitress says “one third *x* cubed” and while walking away, turns back and adds with a wink “…plus a constant.”

There’s also a nice variation on this.

## 10.23.08

### A mathematician walks into a bar

A mathematican walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow. The bartender says, “Hey, no animals are allowed in here.”

The mathematician replies, “These are very special animals.”

“How so?”

“They’re knot theorists.”

The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, “I’ve met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist.”

“Well, I’ll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like.”

So the bartender asks the dog, “Name a knot invariant.”

“Arf! Arf!” barks the dog.

The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, “Name a topological invariant.”

“Mu! Mu!” says the cow.

At this point the bartender turns to the mathematican and says, “Very funny.” With that, he throws the three out of the bar.

Outside, sitting on the curb, the dog turns to the mathematican and asks, “Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial instead?”

Notes. The dog is, of course, referring to the Cahit Arf-invariant of knot theory, while the cow is referring to the Milnor mu-invariant of algebraic topology.