I think I actually did this joke already!

“Mingle?” asks e^x, suprised.

“Yeah, mingle!” says sin(x). “You know, get out there and integrate yourself!”

e^x sighs heavily and asks, “What’s the point?”

I heard a version of this joke from Courtney Gibbons.

72 agrees, so off go the two numbers invite 0 into their little group.

“Hey 0,” askes 34, “why don’t you come an talk with me and 72 and 16 and 22 over here?”

0 sighs heavily and replies, “Sorry. I have nothing to add.”

Two mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The second mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the first calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “‘a‘ squared plus ‘b‘ squared.”

She repeats: “A square plus a bee square?”

He repeats “a squared plus b squared.”

“Ay squared plus bee squared?”

“Yes, that’s right”, he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “Ay squared plus bee squared… Ay squared plus bee squared… Ay squared plus bee squared…”

The second guy returns and the first proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress a simple algebra question, and the second happily agrees.

The first man calls over the waitress and asks “What is (a+b)²?”

The waitress says “Ay squared plus bee squared” and while walking away, turns back and adds with a wink “…assuming a and b are anticommutative.”

A neutron walks into a bar. “How much for a beer?” “For you? No charge.”

Two alpha particles and a gamma ray walk into a bar… magnet.

A definite integral walks and orders 10 shots of whiskey. “You sure about that, buddy?” “Yeah, I know my limits.” [CG]

A bar walks into a commutative algebraist.

sin(x) walks into a bar and asks for drink. The barman declines: “We don’t cater for functions.”

Two polynomials walk into a bar. The bartender, a derivative, asks them “Can I take you order?” The polynomials run out screaming “Help! The bartender threatened to kill me!”

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Hey you, get outta here! We don’t want your type in here.”

An initial condition walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

The definite integral joke is modified from a gag told by Courtney Gibbons, of Brown Sharpie fame (and a former student!).

Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You’d think the third one would have ducked.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, “You’re all assholes,” and pours two beers.

A dyslexic mathematician walks into a bra.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer walk into a bar. The barman looks at the three and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

The infinitely-manied version was told to me by Tyler Ernest.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “one third x cubed.”

She repeats: “one thir — dex cue?”

He repeats “one third x cubed.”

“One thir dex cuebd?”

“Yes, that’s right”, he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “one thir dex cuebd… one thir dex cuebd… one thir dex cuebd…”

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks “What is the integral of x squared?”

The waitress says “one third x cubed” and while walking away, turns back and adds with a wink “…plus a constant.”

There’s also a nice variation on this.

The mathematician replies, “These are very special animals.”

“How so?”

“They’re knot theorists.”

The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, “I’ve met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist.”

“Well, I’ll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like.”

So the bartender asks the dog, “Name a knot invariant.”

“Arf! Arf!” barks the dog.

The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, “Name a topological invariant.”

“Mu! Mu!” says the cow.

At this point the bartender turns to the mathematican and says, “Very funny.” With that, he throws the three out of the bar.

Outside, sitting on the curb, the dog turns to the mathematican and asks, “Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial instead?”

Notes. The dog is, of course, referring to the Cahit Arf-invariant of knot theory, while the cow is referring to the Milnor mu-invariant of algebraic topology.