### Discontinuous humor

#### Tautologies I wasn't taught

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive!

A math professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Analysts use epsilons and deltas in mathematics because they tend to make errors.

Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered "Polynomial. Polygon."

A professor's enthusiasm for teaching precalculus varies inversely with the likelihood of his having to do it.

A tragedy of mathematics is a beautiful conjecture ruined by an ugly fact.

Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas.

Every proof is a one-line proof, provided you start sufficiently far to the left.

For a good prime call, 555.793.7319.

God is real, unless proclaimed an integer.

Graphing rational functions is a pain in the asymptote.

He thinks he's really smooth, but he's only *C*^{1}.

How many problems will you have on the final? I think you will have lots of problems on the final.

If Einstein and Pythagoras were both right, then E = m(a^{2}+b^{2})

I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!

In the topologic hell the beer is packed in Klein's bottles.

Klein bottle for rent. Apply within.

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.

.....And the irrational parts infinitely outweigh the rational ones.

Math: putting the "fun" in "functions" since *t*=0.

Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

Math problems? Call 1-800-[4-x(2 pi)2]-sin(b)/xy.

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.

Mobius strip no-wear belt drive! *(Please see other side for warranty details.)*

Moebius strippers only show you their back side.

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Pie are squared?

No. Pie are *not* squared. Pie are round. Cornbread are squared.

Recursion [ri-kur'zhun] *n*. See recursion.

Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray to God you don’t multiply.

Statistics are like a bikini: what they show you is tempting, but it's what they hide that's important. **[GB]**

The highest moments in the life of a mathematician are the first few moments after one has proved the result, but before one finds the mistake.

The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

The problems for the exam will be similar to the discussed in the class. Of course, the numbers will be different. But not all of them. Pi will still be 3.14159...

The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people.

These days, even the most pure and abstract mathematics is in danger to be applied.

The world is everywhere dense with idiots.

To a mathematician, real life is a special case.

1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.

5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions.

97.3% of all statistics are made up.

#### Little-known results

**Grabel's Law**: 2 is not equal to 3. Not even for very large values of 2.

**The Fundamental Theorem of Analysis**: Any theorem of analysis can be proven on an arbitrarily small piece of paper provided the author is sufficiently vague.

**The Golden Rule of Teaching Mathematics**: You must tell the truth, and nothing but the truth, but not the whole truth.

**The Golden Rule of Deriving**: Never trust any result that was proved after 11 pm.

**The law of conservation of difficulties**: there is no easy way to prove a deep result.

#### Two-thirds of a Pun

Algebra is *x*-sighting.

Complex numbers are unreal.

Decimals make a point.

Einstein was ahead of his time.

Geometry keeps you in shape.

I like angles ... to a degree.

I could go on and on about sequences.

I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!

I'm partial to fractions.

I feel positive about integers.

Lobachevski was out of line.

On average, people are mean.

Translations are shifty.

Vectors can be 'arrowing.

Without geometry, life would be pointless.

#### Different Strokes for Different Folks

A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the room gets empty.

A statistician is a person who, if his head was in an oven and his feet were ice, would say that on the average he feels fine.

Detour.Every math major has probably heard this gag at least once, but few have ever bothered to look at very unusual physical conditions assumed by the joke. If the said statistician burns only paper in the oven (so the temperature of the oven is 451 degreed F, as a famous science fiction story reminds us), and if he is comfortable at 98 degrees F (the normal body temperature), then calling the ice temperatureXand doing the simplest method of averaging, we find:(451 +

X)/2 = 98

451 +X= 196

X= -255This is some unusually cold ice!

An economist is a person who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An engineer thinks that his equations are an approximation to reality.

A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.

A mathematician doesn't care.

A mathematician belives nothing until it is proven.

A physicist believes everything until it is proven wrong.

A chemist doesn't care, and a
biologist doesn't understand the question.

Biologists think they are biochemists,

Biochemists think they are Physical Chemists,

Physical Chemists think they are Physicists,

Physicists think they are Gods,

And God thinks he is a Mathematician. **[PL]**

Chemistry is physics without thought.

Mathematics is physics without purpose.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Physicists defer only to mathematicians, but mathematicians defer only to God.

Relations between pure and applied mathematicians are based on trust and understanding. Namely, pure mathematicians do not trust applied mathematicians, and applied mathematicians do not understand pure mathematicians.

The graduate with a Mathematics degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does one build it?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

To mathematicians, solutions mean finding the answers.

To chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

#### Category Theory

There are two groups of people in the world: those who believe that the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don't.

There are two groups of people in the world: those who can be categorized into one of two groups of people, and those who can't.

There are two groups of people in the world: those that don't do math, and those that take care of them.

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

There are three kinds of people in the world: them that aren't good at math and them that aren't goof at English.

There are 10 groups of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand trinary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.

#### Observe the following

Logical humor

Graphical humor

Irrational humor

Imaginary humor

Trig humor

Calculus humor

Analysis humor

**The analysis instructor, as seen by the student:**

This was an actual cheat sheet I confiscated during an examination:

Spied on a blackboard...

Spied on a bathroom stall...

Office hell

Science humor

From xkcd