Go, go, Power Rangers!
[ We open in the city of San Fransokyo, which looks exactly like the city in Blade Runner, except with more sunlight and fewer homicidal Rutger Hauers. ]
Hiro Hamada: I’m a 14-year-old Asian wunderkind who makes money in back-alley fights involving remote-controlled robots. Also, I’m called “Hiro,” partly because it’s a particularly unsubtle hint at my role in this movie, but mostly because “Grant Imohara” was already taken.
Do you know how hard it is to get a good picture of Calvin NOT peeing on something?
Tadashi Hamada: Little brother, it’s dangerous for you to be robo-hustling!
Hiro: What’s the worst that can happen? This is a Disney movie: our parents are already dead.
Tadashi: Well, it’s also a Marvel property, so, you know, “with great intelligence comes great responsibility” and so on. You should instead apply to attend San Fransokyo University with me, where we pioneer new forms of technology that will improve the quality of life for everyone!
Hiro: Boring.
Tadashi: Also lasers and explosives.
Hiro: Awesome!
[ They visit Tadashi’s computer lab, where they meet his quirky science-nerd sidekicks. ]
Wasabi No-Ginger: Hello! I work with dangerous plasma blades, and I’m called “Wasabi.” My personality quirk is obsessive-compulsive neatness, which I manifest by screaming at every obstacle we face and running away in terror.
Hiro: I’m not sure that’s how OCD works—
Wasasbi: AHHHHHHHH! [ Runs away in terror. ]
Honey Lemon: OHAI LOL OMG! I’m called “Honey Lemon” and I work with dangerous chemical explosives. My personality quirk is that I will pronounce your name by excessively rolling the letter “R.”
Hiro: Does that even count as a personality?
Honey: Absolutely, Hirrrrrrrrro.
GoGo Tomago: ‘Sup. I’m called “Gogo Tomago.” I work with dangerous high-speed mag-lev bikes. My personality quirk is general irritability.
Hiro: Why don’t you have a food based name?
GoGo: Tamago is Japanese for egg, bitch. [ Walks off. ]
Fred: Yo dude, I’m not actually a student here, but as close to a drug-addled burnout as Disney felt comfortable including in this movie. Also, I like comics and shiny blinky things, duuuude.
Hiro: Why do they let you just just lounge around in the middle of a lab full of dangerous untested tech?
Fred: Because I helps keep the lab… well supplied.
Hiro: With electronics?
Fred [ Inside a haze of reefer ]: …Yeah… electronics.
“We can’t stop here. This is bot country.”
Tadashi: That’s enough with the characters Disney can’t market as plush toys. Let’s meet the real star of the movie, my creation Baymax.
[ Tadashi presents a small red box. From it bursts forth a giant green dragon-looking thing with fangs, claws, and spikes. ]
Baymax: Hello. I am comic-book-Baymax, your sidekick. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the likelihood of manufacturing little cuddly plush versions of me?
Wasabi: AHHHHHHHH! [ Runs away in terror. ]
Baymax: Oh no. One moment please.
[ Baymax pops back into the box and re-emerges as an inflatable cross between the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and a T-800. ]
Baymax: Hello. I am Disney-Baymax, your comic relief. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the likelihood of manufacturing little cuddly plush versions of me?
Every preschooler in the audience: Awww! I want one! I want one! I want one!
Baymax: Excellent.
The episode of The Biggest Loser where things went horribly wrong
Professor Callaghan: Greetings. I’m the head of this lab, the foremost expert in robotics and creator of “Callaghan’s Three Laws of Robotics” and—
Hiro: Wait, wait, wait… We’re only a half-hour into this movie and we’ve already got friendly white robots and a James Cromwell character trying to claim credit for Asimov’s Laws of Robotics? What is this, I, Robot? What’s next, Alan Tudyk as a voice actor?
Alan Tudyk: Why yes! I’m an evil capitalist! I’ll come back later.
Professor: Well now that you’ve met your ethnically diverse future teammates and Disney’s toy-line through 2015, what say you enroll at my university, where you’ll have access to all kinds of cutting-edge technology? All you need to do is invent something new and beneficial for mankind.
Hiro: Why don’t I take my destructive magnetic kill-bots from the opening scene, but miniaturize and mass-produced them, allowing them to swarm and become infinitely more destructive? I could even hook up a thought-interface rather than a hand-held remote for them, so that their full, terrifyingly destructive potential could be immediately harnessed at the slightest whim of their user. What could possibly go wrong?
Professor: Sounds great!
[ Hiro builds a million of the deadly microbots in his garage, which really begs the question why he even needs access to the University lab in the first place. He demonstrates their use at the local science show to the Scoobie Gang his new college friends. ]
Fred: Awesome, little dude. But according to my issue of the Big Hero 6 comic, instead of robotic version of the Sandman from Spider-Man 3, you were supposed to invent Baymax using the memories of your recently deceased father.
Hiro: Well, in this movie, my dad died a long time ago, and Baymax is programmed with my brother’s memories, so…
Tadashi: Ah, crap. [ Dies in a freak fire that also kills Professor Callaghan and destroys all the microbots. ]
Baymax: Hello. I am Baymax, and I sense that you are now sad and despondent over the death of your brother. Perhaps we could take your mind off of it by going for a relaxing walk.
[ They do, and stumble upon an abandoned warehouse. There they discover a Kabuki-faced man who stole the microbots and killed Tadashi to cover it up. The Kabuki man then attempts to murder Hiro and Baymax with the microbots, but the escape (barely). ]
Baymax: Well, that idea sucked.
Hiro: That masked man killed my brother. There’s only one thing to do: turn you into a giant killing machine and straight-up murder his ass. Here, why don’t you watch this copy of The Matrix while I go fabricate a giant suit of battle armor for you in my garage.
Baymax: Whoa. I know king fu.
This still makes more sense than The Matrix 3.
[ They attempt to assassinate the Kabuki man, but run into the nerds with the food names. Also Fred. ]
Honey: OHAI Hirrrrrrrrrrrrro, what are you doing?
Hiro: Baymax and I are on a mission to kill my brother’s killer.
GoGo: Wait, you built this battle suit yourself… in your garage? Why do you need our university lab again?
[ The Kabuki man sees them and tries to negotiate with them by hurling shipping trailers and small vehicles at them. ]
Wasabi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [ Runs away in terror. ]
Zoinks!
[ The kids barely escape to Fred’s family mansion. ]
Fred [ Consults comics book ]: Let’s see… let me make sure we’ve hit all the tropes of a comic book “origin story.” Established character’s abilities and quirks: check. Killed off central character to charge team with emotional purpose: check. Next, we need to get our super-hero suits!
[ Hiro builds them color-coded battle armor. ]
Wasabi: I’ve got light sabers! [ Engages them. ] AHHHHHHHHHH! [ Runs away in terror. ]
Honey: I’ve got chemical explosives in my purse LOL!
GoGo: I’m a lightcycle from Tron: Legacy, bitch,
Fred: I’m the mascot!
Baymax: I’ve got another suit of armor based on fat-shaming comedy!
Hiro: This is really an actual Marvel superhero team?
…And I’ll form the head!
Fred: Great. Now we need to establish the villain. Since Alan Tudyk was the bad guy in Disney’s Wreck-It Ralph and Disney’s Frozen, it stands to reason he’s the villain is Disney’s Big Hero 6.
Hiro: Works for me. I’ll take Baymax and fly up to one of those inexplicably weightless floating turbines and scan the entire city for his vital signs.
GoGo: Wouldn’t blasting the city with that much radiation kill everyone in San Fransokyo?
Hiro: Meh.
[ Hiccup Hiro and Toothless Baymax have a flight montage where they learn to work together as a team before eventually retiring to a spot to have some one-on-one. ]
We’re Vikings kids in a Disney movie. It’s an occupational hazard.
Baymax: My programming says killing someone is wrong.
Hiro: Wouldn’t it be better to kill one person bent on killing lots of people?
Baymax: This really is I, Robot all over again, isn’t it?
Hiro: Now dat’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
[ They trace Kabuki-man to an abandoned mine, where he’s busy salvaging a StarGate. They attack him but, being inexperienced with their super-suits, manage only to defeat themselves. ]
Kabuki-man: It is I, Professor Callaghan! It turns out evil Alan Tudyk was trying to build a teleportation unit that would transport him to a universe in which Firefly was never cancelled, but his negligence killed my test-pilot daughter. So for revenge, I will finish his machine and transport him to a dimension where the only thing he’s known for is TransFormers 3!
Wasabi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [ Runs away in terror. ]
[ They follow Kabuki-Callaghan to Alan Tudyk’s corporate office, where Callaghan has reinstalled the StarGate with the help of the microbots. The team attacks him but still manages only to defeat themselves. ]
Hiro: God, we suck at this. We need some inspiration!
[ He gathers the team, where they watch the last forty minutes of The Avengers. ]
Fred: FRED SMASH!
[ The team attacks Kabukallagham a third time, and this time finally manages to beat him. ]
END OF LINE.
Baymax: Oh no! The evil technology is causing a catastrophic wormhole to be generated right over the city!
Hiro: Good thing we watched The Avengers just now, right, Robo-man?
Baymax: Ah, crap. [ Flies through wormhole to sacrifice himself. ]
Baymax: Oh, look, Callaghan’s daughter isn’t dead after all. She’s been in suspended animation in some test-footage from Pacific Rim. Guess I’ll save her.
[ Gypsy Danger Baymax sends the unconscious Mako Mori Abigail Callaghan out of the alternate universe. ]
Today, we are cancelling the Apocalypse!
Callaghan: Hurray! It was all worth it to see my daughter once mor—
Police: Off to jail with you. [ Sends Callaghan off to prison for the attempted murder of several thousand people, where he probably dies alone and broken. ]
Hiro: Hurray! We won… even though now my parents and my brother and my robot best friend is dead.
GoGo: Dude, you single-handedly built an army of microbots, two robot battle mechs, and four human super-suits from scratch in your garage. You’re saying you can’t rebuild a walking, talking balloon? Woman up, bitch.
Hiro: You’re right, Tomago. And while I’m at it, I’ve got some ideas on how to improve Baymax, too.
[ Six months later. ]
Baymax: Hello. I’m Ultron, your death-care provider.
Hiro: Ah, crap.
Disney’s Age of Utron: coming in Summer 2015
The End
Stan Lee [ Cameos ] : ‘Bout damn time.
