Democratic Platform 2012: a useful summary

So the Democratic National Convention is over. Bill Clinton got mathy, Joe Biden got folksy, and Barack Obama got hopeful (albeit, significantly less audaciously). Somewhere in the middle, the Democrats produced the first all-inclusive, Constitutionally secular platform in United States history… and then, true to form, caved in Republican whining and hastily appended it with some Gods and Jersusalems after a controversial vote decides not by the traditional 2/3’s majority of delegates, but by the teleprompter operator instead.

In any event, now they have an official 2012 platform.  At 31 pages, it’s exactly half the size of the Republican platform, but still a doozy to get through.  Hence, in the interests of being fair and balanced, we found a Republican in the middle of making a citizen’s arrest of a brown-skinned person, and had him read it over to present us with a useful summary:

The 2012 Democratic Platform

That’s right, America.  We’ve got your ass covered.

Introduction

Four years ago, America had to sit through sequels of the Republican’s worst hits.  There was The Great Depression 2.  There was The Iraq War 2 and its spin-off The War Against Terror, but Mostly Afghanistan.  There was Metropolis 2… well, not in the sense that the Republicans gave us Fritz Lang’s German sci-fi expressionist silent movie, but rather in the sense that they’d created a dystopia in which super-wealthy theocrats abuse the working class with crippling inflation and poor working conditions and evil robotic doppelgangers and…

…well, not the robot part, of course, but the other stuff, you know…

Well, look… 4 years ago, everything sucked, and it was the Republican’s fault.  Now, things suck slightly less, and that’s all the proof we need to implement our sweeping plans to completely gut the heart and soul of America by handing it over to all those gay soldiers, fetus-murdering mothers, illegal immigrants, lazy welfare slackers, and book-smart eggheads who demand a big government-run socialist hippie commune lined with the gutted carcases of Wall Street fat cats.

Our plan is simple: we which to grow the United States from the middle out, much like the waistlines of those lazy union bosses on whose vote we continually depend.  We want everybody (but especially all the gays, women, illegals, and unionites) to get a fair deal and we want everybody (but especially rich white guys) to pay their fair share, and here’s how we’ll do it.

Plank 1: Rebuilding middle class security

Our opponents, the Rethuglicans, want to give all your money to corrupt bazillionaire CEOs, who will then apparently micturate on your children and loved ones.  (It’s called trickle-down economics, after all.  What else could it mean?)

Well, we plan on doing the opposite.

First, we need to get the middle class back to work.  Easy.  We’ll just make government bigger!  Then we’ll need people to fill in all those suddenly absolutely necessary jobs.  Off the top of our heads, we could add an Office of, say, Online Gaming and an Office of Gay Marriage and — ooh ooh ooh! — a Office of Office Oversight.  We’ll also strengthen the power of unions, so that none of these workers will actually have to work at their places of employ.

How shall we pay for all this new governmental bureaucracy staffed by incompetent buffoons?  We will raise taxes on the super wealthy, whereby “super wealthy” we mean “decadent capitalist pigs”, and by “raise taxes” we mean “simply seize all their funds redistribute it to the rabble in an orgy of socialism.”

Given that nobody will actually be working anymore, we’ll need a massive healthcare system to handle all the morbidly obese pencil-pushers our plan is likely to produce.  That’s what we rammed Obamacare through last year to deal with.  Now every American is required to get health care, but even better, all the rich fat cats are provided to give it to them, along with whatever condoms and birth-control pills and sexual-reassignment surgeries they might care to request.

As for tending to our elderly, our Repugnican opponents would destroy all of Medicare and leave them to fend for themselves.  In contrast, not only will we keep Medicare, we’ll improve on it by freezing the bodies of all those now penniless billionaires so that their organs may be harvested by the elderly as need be.

Of course, we recognize that no sane person would ever agree to such drastic measures unless they were hopelessly subjected to daily godless/socialist/liberal indoctrination.  Thankfully, we have public education and especially the university system, which we all know to be riddled with left-leaning subversives. Hence, the best way to get folks on board with us Democrats is to get ’em to college, which is why we’re all for making college cheap and affordable for young people, and making the teaching profession look extra appealing for all those godless STEM (science, technology, engineering, and malevolence) majors.

Speaking of liberal indoctrination, we’re fervent believers in Global Warming, which we claim an astounding 117% of scientists argue is caused by Big Oil and Big Coal.  As a result, we demand and end to all coal an oil use by 2035.  In fact, we demand and end to all coal and oil production by 2020, and suggest that we simply burn the bodies of the billionaires we bankrupted as a means of weaning us off until we can get all those wind farms and canola-oil powered cars we hear everyone talking about up and running.

Plank 2: Everyone plays by the same rules

Too long have the Wall Street fat cats written their own rules, occasionally legitimately earning millions when their businesses succeed, but more often giving themselves billion-dollar bonuses while their companies fail and need to be bailed out by middle class pockets.  More generally, only a select few people succeed in life, and they always do it on the backs of those who fail.  Well, no more!  We demand an America where everyone plays the by the same rules… specifically, rules written by an bloated governmental nanny-state designed stifle individual ingenuity or initiative in order to ensure that nobody ever succeeds in life.

The key step in this process is, of course, forcing the the rich into oblivion.  We’ve already mentioned our plan to tax ’em, harvest their organs, and burn them for fuel.  In the meantime, we’ll also vilify them on Wall Street and prevent them from from not only lobbying Congress for their interests, but from even looking in the general direction of Congress for good measure.

Plank 3: Greater together

Recognizing that we are, in fact, a nation of immigrants, the Democratic Party is committed to enacting comprehensive immigration goals and reflects our values.  Therefore, we shall henceforth refer to illegal immigrants and undocumented Democrats.  Moreover, we find Republican immigration policies that profile illegal immigrants based on skin color repugnant to our democratic ideas and mixing-pot heritage, and will block such attempts at every turn with our own counter-policy: namely, if your skin is too white, we shall declare you to be not immigrant enough, and deport you to Mexico to get some perspective.  And sun.

We are similarly opposed to Rethuglican tactics of suppressing voter rights and disenfranchising immigrant, handicapped, minority, or low-income families under the guise of “voter fraud.”  We propose a sweeping reform of voter registration that will allow any carbon-based life-form in the United States to vote for Democrats.

We Democrats are also strongly committed to civil rights, and the principle that no one should face discrimination based on race, ethnicity, national origin, language, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability status, shoe size, pizza topping preferences, views on Ben Stiller’s comedic abilities, or history in reality TV.  (Except for terror suspects, of course.  We can throw those guys into a hole someplace for all we care.)

For example, unlike our Rape-ublican opponents, we believe a women should have autonomy over health decisions regarding her body, regardless of the religious discomfort this might cause Republicans.  Consequently, we support a women’s right to abortion at any time and for any reason, from the moment of conception up until eighteen years after birth, including the father as well.  Plus, we can use all those stem cells to promote science, and burn the rest of the fetuses with the billionaires (mentioned above) as a new power source.

Similarly, we believe that gay Americans deserve the same rights as straight Americans, which shall henceforth be referred to as The Gay Agenda.  Included in this agenda: a open, godless, slippery-slope definition of marriage that would apply to male-female couples, same-sex couples, human-computer couples, dog-cat couples, and whatever other hedonistic unions our opponents would find objectionable.  The agenda also includes flooding the military with openly homosexual soldiers, which if you think about it (it’s traditionally been a clique of men priming and firing off mechanized oversized phalluses) isn’t really a stretch.  To promote their acceptance, we propose renaming the G.I. Bill to the G.A.Y. Bill.

Plank 4. Stronger in the world, safer at home

Did terrorists crash planes into the U.S. when Bush was President?  Yes.  Have terrorists crashed planes into the U.S. since Obama took over?   No.  Did President Bush manage kill Osama bin Laden?  Nope.  Did Obama?  Oh, yeah.  Therefore, Democrats are better at kicking ass and taking names than Republicans.

So we don’t really need to fight all those wars in desert-y places any more.  In fact, we don’t really need to be the global policeman anymore, and so we’re committed to no longer leading on the international stage, but contenting ourselves to play second- or third-fiddle in the UN and NATO so that we can get in good with all those European nations that appeal to our liberal mindsets.  We would even entertain an amendment suggesting we change our national name to the “United States of Ameuropica.”  The fact that similar socialistic policies similar to the ones we champion have more or less bankrupted Europe does not concern us.